Kids dealing with stress

[momshell7]

Just curious if anyone had small children when then had their surgeries? If so did your kids seem totally out of control prior to the surgery? They are 4 and 8 and both boys!! My husband is having is surgery on Oct 18 and our kids seem to be totally out of control lately. They argue almost constantly. They do things just to hear the other one yell or cry. They have to play right in front of the tv instead in the playroom, which is connected to the family room. I try to give them special one on one attention but just doesn't seem to help! I want to believe that it is just their way of dealing with their own stresses from their dad's situation. I am just scared that they will really stress Jeff out when he comes home after his surgery. I don't want his blood pressure to go sky high! The other night they got him so upset he almost when to the hospital because his heart was beating so hard.

Thanks

Michelle

 

[Ross]

I think you hit the nail on the head. They are playing out their fears and frustrations combined with anxiety over the whole situation. I guess when they're smaller, they act badly to attract attention whether it be positive or negative, just so they know that your paying attention to them in their own little wierd ways. They don't rationalize fear the way they will as adults, so they get uncontrollably angry instead. I think once surgery is over and they see that Dad is fine and will be coming home, they'll mellow out. You just have to ride the tide until then. I know it's not fun, but it's the way kids are. Better to have them like that, then to have them show no emotion at all.

You might pull the 8 year old aside and try to make some headway by discussing your fears and his fears together and as much as I don't like to say this, convince him that you need his help in maintaining a less hostile environment between the two. That you need all the sanity that you can get to get through this.

 

[ALCapshaw2]

Kids pick up a LOT from their PARENTS. If you and Jeff are 'freaked out' about the upcoming surgery, it is no wonder they are scared. As I said before, please talk with your Primary Care Physician about your fears and theirs. Your PCP may be able to help all of you with either medication and / or counciling.

'AL'

 

[Karlynn]

You might pull the 8 year old aside and try to make some headway by discussing your fears and his fears together and as much as I don't like to say this, convince him that you need his help in maintaining a less hostile environment between the two. That you need all the sanity that you can get to get through this.

This is a good idea. You can reassure him that Daddy will be just fine and that this is a team effort. Giving him some responsibility in maintaining a calm home environment may also give him a little more feeling of control and not feel like it's all out of his hands. Kids like to contribute and to feel like they are helping. Maybe put it in terms of a sports team's game plan or play book and your family's "game plan" for Daddy's surgery, both pre and post.

Just keep remembering that this is a brief time in the grand scheme of things and things will return to a normal balance.

 

[Marguerite53]

just a thought

just a thought

Hi Michelle

I have older kids, 17, 19 and 22. I've not even been to the surgery part yet. Waiting and the unknown are tough for everyone.

My thought is this. Can you take the kids on some kind of guided tour of the hospital? If they know where there dad is going, and if someone there gives them treats, or lets them hold one of those plastic heart models or just gives them something visual and comforting to attach to this big scarry mystery maybe it will calm them. Several forum members have said that taking a tour of the facility pre-surgery is a great idea because then the nurses and staff have a more human notion of who their patient is. I'm sure there are restrictions for children, but surely there must be something available. It might be good to have another authority figure describe how careful they need to be during their dad's healing time, too.

Then maybe use a calendar to X out the days until he goes in. Let each boy take a turn X-ing out a day at a certain time each day.

Just a thought.

Marguerite

 

[tobagotwo]

Hmm. The foregoing are probably more modern responses, but here's my unrequested two cents' worth...

My gut reaction is that I would pull them aside individually, and tell them that I need a better standard of behavior while this goes on, and I expect them to pitch in. A meaningful look and no embellishment.

Discussing fears and concerns is a good thing, and anything that will help them cope individually. Those ideas sound great to me, and I hope you get a chance to pursue them.

At the same time, this is not a moment when they are the center of things. And this seems like a perfect time for them to realize that that happens occasionally in life, and to learn to kick in for their family with some humility, empathy, and respect.

When I was discussing behavior with my son in his early years, behavior was the only thing talked about in that session. Unacceptable behavior was just that, regardless of what else was going on. If they can't deal with each other, they get separated. If they act out, they are out of the room. Once the behavioral expectations are understood, and their churlishness subsides, they will be much more approachable for the discussions and other helpful strategies.

Mean old daddy,

 

[momshell7]

Kids stress

Kids stress

Thanks everyone for you advice!!

Sometimes I dont' know which way I am going so I can understand why the kids are acting out! I have taken away some of their favorite things, gameboy and gamecube, when they act out. This ususally gets a response. I know that we are all going through a tough time and need to be patient with each other. I guess as the surgery date gets even closer the patience will get thinner and thinner! Hopefully by Halloween we can all relax and eat candy together!!

Michelle

 

[Sherry]

Hi, Michelle,
My boys were 7 and 9 at the time. They were both in the middle of baseball season, and my husband wanted to keep it as normal as he could. A day or two after my surgery, my 9 year old hit a triple "for mom" or so he told his coach. (He'd never hit anything other than a base hit all season.) It was a really cool moment for him. That's a positive story, but a lot of the time they were very nervous and anxious. They'd just gone through a terrible time with Dad a few years prior (bone marrow transplant), and Mom being sick was really hard on them. Both sets of grandparents were tremendously helpful, and in looking back, I don't know how we could have done it without them. Keep the faith and enlist the help of parents if they're able.