Joke time

[Luckyguy17]

Cardiologist's Funeral
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life....

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.... I'm a gynecologist.'

The proctologist fainted.

 

[Luana]

Cardiologist's Funeral

Good one, Gil! I'll have to send it to my cousin the urologist.

 

[Bina]

*** AFTER DEATH


A couple made

a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if
there is *** after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"


"Well,
I get up in the morning, I have ***. I have breakfast and then it's off

to the golf course. I have *** again, bathe in the warm sun and then

have *** a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -
lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much
have *** the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more

*** until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the
next day it starts all over again"


"Oh, Bob, are you in Heaven?"


"No.......I'm a rabbit in Arizona !!"

 

[Greg a]

How to start a fight

How to start a fight

HOW TO START A FIGHT:eek2:

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have ***?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started​

 

[Ross]

Hospital Chart Bloopers





ACTUAL WRITINGS from hospital charts:



1. The patient refused autopsy.



2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.



3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.


4. Note: patient here-recovering from forehead cut. Patient became very

angry when given an enema by mistake.


5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.


6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it

disappeared.


7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be

depressed.



8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.



9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.



10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but

forgetful.



11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.



12. She is numb from her toes down.



13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.



14. The skin was moist and dry.



15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.



16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.



17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.



18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,

Until she got a divorce.



19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical

therapy.



20. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.



21. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.



22. Skin: somewhat pale but present



23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

 

[Cris N]

Hospital Chart Bloopers

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

OUCH!!!:eek2::eek2::eek2:

 

[Ross]

Joe Biden is antagonizing Barry again:

 

[Greg a]

 

[Ross]

Subject: woman marine pilot


The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. "

"She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands. "

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

 

[Greg a]

TRIP TO COSTCO
> >>>
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
> >>>>>
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
> >>>>>
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
> >>>>>
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's *** and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
> >>>>>
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
> >>>>>
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends......it will be their Laugh for the day..
​

 

[Greg a]

 

[Orangebrittainy]

Thanks guys

Thanks guys

I got through about 3 pages, I really needed the laugh tonight

 

[Luckyguy17]

Ear Infection

Ear Infection

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my ****,' he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...


Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose.

 

[njean]

Senior Road Trip

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table,
and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they
could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car,
and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

Grrrrrrr!!!!

 

[njean]

911 Call

Operator: 911…what is your emergency?

Caller: My wife just got gored by a warthog…..we’re gonna need an ambulance here!

Operator: What is your address sir?

Caller: 1955 Eucalyptus Street

Operator: Can you spell that please?

Caller: ahhh…..e…..(pause)…..I’ll just drag her on over to Oak Street & you all can pick her up there, okay?

 

[Debbrn]

Since post-op bowel function has been a subject of concern it made me think of the following

"the poopie list"

Richard Simmons poopie-you poop so much that you loose 10 pounds
corn poopie-self explainatory
wet poopie-your poop splashes so much you back side gets wet
ghost poopie-you pass so much gas that you think that you pooped, but when you look in the toilet nothing is there
pop a vein poopie-you push so hard that a vein pops in your forhead

I can't think of the rest

 

[Cris N]

Here's the list:

Ghost Poopie
The kind where you feel the Poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie
The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie
The kind where you wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't runie them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie
The kind that happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize you have to poopie some more.

Turtle Poopie
The kind of poopie that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finallly comes out

Pop-a-Vein-in-your-Forehead-Poopie
The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Lincoln Log Poopie
The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the plunger.

Gas-sy Poopie
The kind where it's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling!

Drinker Poopie
The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Corn Poopie
(Self explanatory)

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poop Poopie
The kind where you want to Poopie, but all you do is it on the toilet and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie
That's the kind when it hurts so badly coming out, you swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)
The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get spashed with water.

Liquid Poopie
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots you of your butt and spashes all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Poopie
The kind that smells so bad your nose burns.

Upper Class Poopie
The kind of Poopie that doesn't smell.

The Suprise Poopie
You are not even at the toilet, because you are sure you are about to fart, but, OOPS---a Poopie!

The Dangling Poopie
This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopie-ing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

 

[Cris N]

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.

The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL poop on it's head!"

 

[Luana]

The Elderly Irish Virgin

The Elderly Irish Virgin

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin, and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN."

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma, but finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED."

 

[Greg a]

The WalMart Greeter

The WalMart Greeter

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.


Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really
tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and
obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.




One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job,
but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
''Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.
It's odd though your coming in late.
I know you're retired from the Armed Forces.
What did they say if you came in late there?"
(scroll down..... .............)

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''They said, "Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?'''