Y
Yaps
Jokes of the day ************
>>> A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not
been in a
hosptial in
many years and felt ignorant about the new technologies. A
technician followed
her
onto the elevator wheeling a large machine with tubes and wires
and dials and
lights
that she thought might be a ventilator.
\"Boy, I would sure hate to be hooked up to that thing,\" she
said.
\"So would I,\" replied the technician. \"It\'s a floor cleaning
machine.\"
>>> How to say \"I Love You\" in 9 languages
English - I Love You
Spanish - Te Amo
French - Je T\'aime
German - lch Liebe Dich
Japanese - Ai ***** Imasu
Italian - Ti Amo
Chinese - Wo Ai Ni
Swedish - Jag Alskar
Redneck - Nice butt. Get in the truck.
>>> Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is
taking his/her sweet
time:
* Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror
while you pick
your nose.
* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale
battlefield with
* I. Joe\'s vs. the X-Men.
* Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
* Switch the men\'s and women\'s signs on the doors of the
restroom.
* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
\"Mission Impossible.\"
* Set up a \"Valet Parking\" sign in front of the store.
* Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say
things like
\"pick me! pick me!!\"
* If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that
you don\'t get
out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
>>> Funny Bumper Stickers:
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you\'re still an idiot.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
* Reality is a crutch for people who can\'t handle drugs.
* Where there\'s a will, I want to be in it.
>>> Polish Sausage
A guy goes into the store and tells the clerk, \"I\'d like some
Polish Sausage.\"
The clerk looks at him and says, \"Are you Polish?\"
The guy, clearly offended, says, \"Well, yes I am. But, let me
ask you, if I had
asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian???
Or, if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was
German??
Or if I had asked for chorizo, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Huh? Would ya??\"
The clerk says \"Well, no.\"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, \"Well, all
right then; why
the HECK did you ask me if I\'m Polish just because I ask for
Polish sausage????\"
The clerk says \"Because, this is a hardware store.\"
>>> One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As
soon as the waiter
took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak
for himself.
Tom wasn\'t happy about that: \"When are you going to learn to
be polite?\"
Bill: \"If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you
pick?\"
Tom: \"The smaller piece, of course.\"
Bill: \"What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is
what you want,
right?\"
>>> In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8\'x10
cell. At work you
spend most of
your time in a 6\'x8\'cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a
break for one meal
and you have
to pay for it.
In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get
rewarded for good
behavior with
more work.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At
work you must
carry around a
security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired
for watching TV
and playing
games.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work
you cannot even
speak to your family
and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work
required. At work you
get to pay all the
expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your
salary to pay for
prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through the bars
from the inside
wanting to get out. At
work you spend your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any
time. At work
there are some
programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we
have managers.
>>> The following is supposedly a true story. To be included,
besides being
true,
the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or
funny.Wednesday, October
21, 1992 The most popular video in Sweden earlier this year was
a 60-minute
fireplace fire, shown from the point of ignition until it burns
into cinders,
and featuring a sound-track of fire-crackling wood. Price: about
$35.
>> The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller
buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower
viewpoints.
We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less. We
have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but
less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge,
but less judgment; moreexperts, but more problems; more
medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh
too little,drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up
too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much,
and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We\'ve learned how to make a living, but not a life; we\'ve
added years to life, not life to years.
We\'ve been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble
crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.
We\'ve conquered outer space, but not inner space.
We\'ve done larger things, but not better things.
We\'ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We\'ve split the atom, but not our prejudice.
We write more, but learn less.
We plan more, but accomplish less.
We\'ve learned to rush, but not to wait.
We build more computers to hold more information to produce more
copies thanever, but have less communication.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men
and short character; steep profits and shallow relationships.
These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more
leisure, butless fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.
These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier
houses, but broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway
morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do
everything from cheer to quiet, to kill.
It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing
in the stockroom; a time when technology can bring this letter
to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this
insight, or to just hit delete.
>>> A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not
been in a
hosptial in
many years and felt ignorant about the new technologies. A
technician followed
her
onto the elevator wheeling a large machine with tubes and wires
and dials and
lights
that she thought might be a ventilator.
\"Boy, I would sure hate to be hooked up to that thing,\" she
said.
\"So would I,\" replied the technician. \"It\'s a floor cleaning
machine.\"
>>> How to say \"I Love You\" in 9 languages
English - I Love You
Spanish - Te Amo
French - Je T\'aime
German - lch Liebe Dich
Japanese - Ai ***** Imasu
Italian - Ti Amo
Chinese - Wo Ai Ni
Swedish - Jag Alskar
Redneck - Nice butt. Get in the truck.
>>> Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is
taking his/her sweet
time:
* Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror
while you pick
your nose.
* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale
battlefield with
* I. Joe\'s vs. the X-Men.
* Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
* Switch the men\'s and women\'s signs on the doors of the
restroom.
* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
\"Mission Impossible.\"
* Set up a \"Valet Parking\" sign in front of the store.
* Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say
things like
\"pick me! pick me!!\"
* If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that
you don\'t get
out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
>>> Funny Bumper Stickers:
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you\'re still an idiot.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
* Reality is a crutch for people who can\'t handle drugs.
* Where there\'s a will, I want to be in it.
>>> Polish Sausage
A guy goes into the store and tells the clerk, \"I\'d like some
Polish Sausage.\"
The clerk looks at him and says, \"Are you Polish?\"
The guy, clearly offended, says, \"Well, yes I am. But, let me
ask you, if I had
asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian???
Or, if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was
German??
Or if I had asked for chorizo, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Huh? Would ya??\"
The clerk says \"Well, no.\"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, \"Well, all
right then; why
the HECK did you ask me if I\'m Polish just because I ask for
Polish sausage????\"
The clerk says \"Because, this is a hardware store.\"
>>> One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As
soon as the waiter
took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak
for himself.
Tom wasn\'t happy about that: \"When are you going to learn to
be polite?\"
Bill: \"If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you
pick?\"
Tom: \"The smaller piece, of course.\"
Bill: \"What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is
what you want,
right?\"
>>> In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8\'x10
cell. At work you
spend most of
your time in a 6\'x8\'cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a
break for one meal
and you have
to pay for it.
In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get
rewarded for good
behavior with
more work.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At
work you must
carry around a
security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired
for watching TV
and playing
games.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work
you cannot even
speak to your family
and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work
required. At work you
get to pay all the
expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your
salary to pay for
prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through the bars
from the inside
wanting to get out. At
work you spend your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any
time. At work
there are some
programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we
have managers.
>>> The following is supposedly a true story. To be included,
besides being
true,
the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or
funny.Wednesday, October
21, 1992 The most popular video in Sweden earlier this year was
a 60-minute
fireplace fire, shown from the point of ignition until it burns
into cinders,
and featuring a sound-track of fire-crackling wood. Price: about
$35.
>> The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller
buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower
viewpoints.
We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less. We
have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but
less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge,
but less judgment; moreexperts, but more problems; more
medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh
too little,drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up
too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much,
and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We\'ve learned how to make a living, but not a life; we\'ve
added years to life, not life to years.
We\'ve been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble
crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.
We\'ve conquered outer space, but not inner space.
We\'ve done larger things, but not better things.
We\'ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We\'ve split the atom, but not our prejudice.
We write more, but learn less.
We plan more, but accomplish less.
We\'ve learned to rush, but not to wait.
We build more computers to hold more information to produce more
copies thanever, but have less communication.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men
and short character; steep profits and shallow relationships.
These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more
leisure, butless fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.
These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier
houses, but broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway
morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do
everything from cheer to quiet, to kill.
It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing
in the stockroom; a time when technology can bring this letter
to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this
insight, or to just hit delete.
