Is it normal to feel this way trauma? Not quite depression but...

[saranodamnedh]

On January 28th, I was put into a medical coma for almost four days because of a severe case of endocarditis that ended up backing my lungs up with blood, messing with my O2 levels. I ended up with an 8mm hole in my heart, and on March 28th, I had a mechanical valve replacement that went just fine.

It's been almost four months since then and while I was feeling great, both mentally and physically, I've noticed a couple of feelings that may or may not lead to depression, but both are/were unexpected to me.

One is guilt. I feel bad that my family and friends worried about me so much. My mother keeps telling me about how I texted her saying I was being brought to the ICU because of my O2 levels, and how it chilled her -- she lives an hour and a half from me. Also, she wouldn't know what to do if she lost me (but... I have sisters, and her mother is still alive; etc. I'm 28 years old.)

I also feel like I shouldn't be making a big deal of this. I lived. Though, the doctors told my family that they weren't sure if I would make it, I did. In my head, life goes on, I made it, now move on - so stop bringing it up because it's over now and people are tired of hearing about it.

I know in my head that these are reactions from a huge life event, but it still bothers me all the same. I've had depression on and off for my entire life, so I'm handling the post-surgery blues well enough, and I can't be thankful enough to be going to a spin class tonight, followed by a long run if it cools down enough.

 

[AgilityDog]

Sweetie, you are normal. Depression after heart surgery is very common. Of course you are dealing with the aftermath. My DH thought I shouldn't make a big deal of my first valve surgery, and should just get on with things. That the people on this board were just "stuck" emotionally, from their illness.

Yeah, until he figured out that it changed my life, and his life. My diet, my exercise, my medications, my outlook. It's all affected.

Your true friends will understand. And if they don't, you can always talk to us. The whole world is sideways when you have such a life threatening illness. It doesn't have to be heart related. Last week, my (last remaining) sister called and said she'd had a critical hypoglycemia incident, had to be rushed off the beach in an ambulance, and was just dealing with the shock. She'd never taken her little low blood sugar incidents seriously, but now, the whole world felt funny to her. Yea, I get it, I get her, I get you.

 

[Julian]

so stop bringing it up because it's over now and people are tired of hearing about it.

I'm not tired of hearing about, and neither is anyone who is about to go or has gone through the same thing.

I hear where your coming from, I believe that we shouldn't live in the past or glorify or lament in or about our past. Sometimes we just live in the muck of our past that we never get to the future. We always need to be improving ourselves and helping others. I'm with you on this, but in the same breath, DUDE that was some amazing/crazy/WTF stuff you went through! Its going to take time to turn it into lemonade, as your on the daily mission/journey of making it sweet you will have the opportunity to make other peoples lemons sweet too.

DUDE! I WANT TO GO TO SPIN CLASS AFTER I HAVE THIS SURGERY DONE AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SPIN CLASS IS. JUST TO BE ALIVE AND FEELING WELL, I DON'T CARE WHERE I'M AT. BRING IT ON!
I also would like to run again without worrying about dropping dead or getting tired after 1/4 mile and wiped out for a week.

Keep making my lemons sweet, your doing just fine! : )

 

[DeuxofUs]

As someone that has struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life, I TOTALLY understand. What you are feeling, is totally normal. Even people that don't have depression get it when having any kind of heart surgery.

I think you would be abnormal if you didn't feel SOMETHING with all this.

Julian, you crack me up with your DUDE!! You are soooo So Cal!!! Of course... I am too... dude.

I'm sending you thoughts down the 5 freeway for your surgery.:biggrin2:

 

[Julian]

Julian, you crack me up with your DUDE!! You are soooo So Cal!!! Of course... I am too... dude.

I'm sending you thoughts down the 5 freeway for your surgery.:biggrin2:

: )

Thanks DeuxofUS!

 

[Greg a]

On January 28th, I was put into a medical coma for almost four days because of a severe case of endocarditis that ended up backing my lungs up with blood, messing with my O2 levels. I ended up with an 8mm hole in my heart, and on March 28th, I had a mechanical valve replacement that went just fine.

It's been almost four months since then and while I was feeling great, both mentally and physically, I've noticed a couple of feelings that may or may not lead to depression, but both are/were unexpected to me.

One is guilt. I feel bad that my family and friends worried about me so much. My mother keeps telling me about how I texted her saying I was being brought to the ICU because of my O2 levels, and how it chilled her -- she lives an hour and a half from me. Also, she wouldn't know what to do if she lost me (but... I have sisters, and her mother is still alive; etc. I'm 28 years old.)

I also feel like I shouldn't be making a big deal of this. I lived. Though, the doctors told my family that they weren't sure if I would make it, I did. In my head, life goes on, I made it, now move on - so stop bringing it up because it's over now and people are tired of hearing about it.

I know in my head that these are reactions from a huge life event, but it still bothers me all the same. I've had depression on and off for my entire life, so I'm handling the post-surgery blues well enough, and I can't be thankful enough to be going to a spin class tonight, followed by a long run if it cools down enough.

Margarette53 has started a thread http://www.valvereplacement.org/forums/showthread.php?38558-Survivor-guilt&p=500243#post500243

 

[saranodamnedh]

Interesting thread - thanks for the link.

I think that part of the guilt is not really knowing how bad I was. I was either in shock or unconscious throughout the endocarditis hospitalization. I don't remember a single bad thing at all. The worst I can remember is coughing up some blood and giggling because "it looked like ketchup". I think that I was on some good drugs! In fact, I didn't even know I was under for so long until a week later when I noticed that my mortgage was past due and that it was Feb somehow. When I woke up and was surrounded by family, the first thing that I told my mom was to stop looking at me the way she was (sadly), because I was fine and it was just a nap.

Julian, good luck with your surgery! You'll start to feel awesome very quickly. I keep amazing myself every day. (PS: Spin class is indoor cycling that emulates outdoor cycling, with "hills", "jumps", "sprints" etc. I'm FINALLY not scared of my heart exploding.

Thank you everyone for the support. I'm not really considering this as being depressed... just surprised by my reaction.

 

[Julian]

(PS: Spin class is indoor cycling that emulates outdoor cycling, with "hills", "jumps", "sprints" etc. I'm FINALLY not scared of my heart exploding.

Amazing, I thought it was some type of pottery or sowing. Sounds cool! Thanks for the well wishes.

 

[Mentu]

Before I forget about it, let me first mention a book my Doctor gave me:

Coping with Heart Surgery and Bypassing Depression: A Family's Guide to the Medical, Emotional and Practical Issues

You can get it through Amazon or maybe your local library system has a copy.

After my Father's death, I experienced a period of intense depression. My Doctor recommended this book as a start for our discussion about my care after surgery. The book "Coping..." discusses a lot of the physical and emotional issues surrounding heart surgery. I also speak about the depression that can occur weeks after surgery. So you are not the only passenger in this boat.

I would urge you to speak with your doctor about the problem. Depression does not have to control our lives. Your doctor can help you decide the best way to approach it.

You also need to give yourself time. After surgery, our wounds heal in the first month but this thing that has happened - illness, surgery, recovery - alters our lives and the way we view ourselves and takes much longer for many of us to get used to this new path. About 10 years ago, I realized that of my parents and brothers I was the only one to have good teeth and no heart disease. I've never smoked where they did and I've gotten more exercise than any of them. I felt quite certain that surgery was not in my future.

Things began to change when my new Doctor asked her first question "has anyone ever said you have a heart murmur?" Even so, two years ago it came as a shock when after some tests my Cardio called me up to tell me he had made an appointment for me with a heart surgeon.

You and I and the others with whom we share our experiences cannot help but be more conscious of how our lives have been redirected. While valve replacement is "routine" for our surgeons, it isn't for us, especially, if we have never before had a major illness.

Expressions of concern from your family are just that. Guilt is a choice we make. As humans have since there have been humans, the way we respond with the concerns of those close to us is to let them know we are glad to have them with us. There is no need for guilt. If you feel that as things are, you have not yet earned your new life, then reach out and help someone else.

See, with your posts here you have already started!

I was more fortunate than many in that I found this support group several months before I needed surgery. I found it so comforting to read the experiences that other people were willing to share. And, imagine, to find a group where I could ask questions and get some real answers. Our friends in VR helped reduce my anxieties and helped me focus on the things that were important. They have made my life better.

Your posts may be more questions than comments but they comfort others who share the same concerns but are afraid to write them down. Through talking about the way you are feeling you offer a gift to those who cannot do so. Have you noticed that although you have 7 responses, 113 people have read your post?

Sorry to run on so long, I come from a family that specializes in guilt and it has been a struggle to break out of that cycle. Guilt is a choice we make for ourselves. It is also very human; what is important is to work beyond it and turn that energy to things that improve our lives.

Larry

 

[Superbob]

After the trips we have made -- to the valley of the shadow of death, and back -- I don't think any of us should be on guilt trips.

 

[middleman]

Superbob

I agree we should not be on a guilt trip on being a survivor. We need to live and make the best of every day. What is meant to be is meant to be. We have no or little choice about things. Enjoy the ride.

This comes from a self admitted adrenal junkie. I have faced death many times in my life and situations that I should not be here. I have faced down men with guns, waded into bar fights and even put a car on two wheels when I was a cop. As a firefighter I enjoy rushing into burning building while sane people are running out, I have made rescues that have been on the edge of disaster that I should not have come out of and a whole lot more. I also seen all types of death and tried to bring them back to life. But I will say OHS has affected me the most, but it all good.

As a side note if want to get your surgeon just before your surgery, introduce him to your personnel coroner( My friend is really a coroner) . The look on the surgeon’s face was worth a million and a good laugh. It broke the tension.
Jim