I took life for granted

[NascarfanMary]

Hey everyone,

It's been a long time since I have came here to the site. I haven't been feeling well for months. I have been so depressed since Jan. I can't go back to work and I am till fighting for disability. Almost 2 years!!!! My dr. put me on medication for depression. It didn't work. On March 5, I was so depressed that I took a bottle of ultram pain pills and tried to commit suicide!! All I wanted to do was to end all this pain. I have been sick with my heart for 2 years. I have been having problems with CHF. I need to go back to Cleveland soon. I am very worried!!!! When I took those pills all I thought about was that I won't have to hurt anymore. I was taken to a mental health hospital where I stayed for 24 days. It took a long time to get started feeling better. After all of this had happened, I realized how serious this could have been. I could have died. I really became ill with my haert and was in bad shape for a few days. It was then I realized that I was taking my life in my hands. I knew that I had to take one day at a time. If I was to return to my son and husband, I was going to get stronger and accept my life as it really is. I now know that I will always have to take medicine the rest of my life. I will never be able to go back to work. So now I have to look at other things that will fill those empty holes. My son and husband have been there by my side. I know in time I will get better. I see a counselor and it I know it will help. When you think of me, say a prayer. I think of all of you often and whisper prayers for you. Thanks for lending an ear.

 

[Karlynn]

Mary,
Thank you so much for sharing with us. Having a heart problem is a depressing issue to begin with. Adding Depression on top of it, I'm sure can make life seem hopeless.

I have a very good friend that suffers from severe depression. I have always reminded her, and I will tell you, that Depression is a physical illness, just like heart illnesses or any other "body" illness. I have told her that she shouldn't be any more ashamed of her illness than I am with mine. It's not something we intentionally do to ourselves. Mental illnesses have such a stigma attached to them - but you need to remember that they are physically based. We know less about the brain than we do any other organ of the body. Disabilities of the brain are much more emotionally hard to handle because even though they deal with a part of the body, it's the part that defines us as humans with complex thought processes and behaviors. Remember that medication for Depression takes a while to build up a theraputic level in the body. Unfortunately the change doesn't happen instantly.

Life is worth living and it sounds like you are on your way to understanding that. I'm glad you are going to a counselor. Wouldn't it be wonderful if talking about our heart illnesses would make them better too!

You have my prayers as you forge ahead.

 

[catwoman]

Please take care of yourself -- and your family, too.
Pain and poor physical health can take their toll on a person's mental state. It did just that to a very beloved uncle and someone in our Sunday school class. The pain they felt was great, yet minuscule when multiplied by the pain their loved ones suffered afterward.
I hope your counselor can lead you to find hope and ways to lift the darkness. If you are able to do any exercise -- even just walking -- that will help. When I was in group counseling years ago at our church, the counseling minister encouraged us to exercise to relieve depression. Exercise releases endorphins, which help lift your spirits.
Please keep in touch with us.
I will be praying for you.

 

[hayden]

I too suffered from depression, the doctor gave me a script for Lexapro which has helped. He also told me to think about LIVING and not death.......

 

[Barry]

mpoppins, you may want to consider seeing a psychiatrist (a physician who specializes in mental disorders) and having him/her consult with your counselor, with the shrink doing meds. Psychiatry is a very primitive science; I used to work in mental health and that counselor/shrink team was how I often worked. Shrinks determine which medication is appropriate "empirically": That's a fancy way of making trial-and-error sound like they know what they're doing. Point being that if you tried an antidepressant and it didn't work, or its side effects were such that they outweighed its therapeutic effect, that doesn't necessarily mean that meds won't work: Just means that that med won't work.

There's many kinds of antidepressants out there - the trick is finding the one that works, presuming that your depression has a biochemical basis. Most docs who aren't psychiatrists tend to only try the SSRI's (e.g. Prozac) because they're not so tricky as tricyclics and MAO inhibitors.

Good luck!

 

[gadgetman]

"Life is worth living and it sounds like you are on your way to understanding that. I'm glad you are going to a counselor. Wouldn't it be wonderful if talking about our heart illnesses would make them better too!

Karlynn.

Typing here about our trials and tribulations might not make our heart illness go away, but it sure makes it easier for most of us accept what we've been through or are going to face. And maybe a "positive attitude" even makes things better for our heart.

Mary,

I hope and pray that you receive the help and guidance you sorely need. Sometimes life is like a bed of roses, they sure look nice but laying on them thorns hurt . None of us know what God has planned for us. As hard as our trials get, we must accept and believe that there are reasons for why we are where we are. A preacher once said, "God answers all prayers, sometimes the answer is NO." So smile and embrace life, no matter what. Counseling and/or meds are available for us to get through this. And ears (or is that EYES ) are always available here for you at any time.

As if it hasn't become obvious, I handle my trials and tribulations with humor, sometimes a puzzlement to some. When my father passed away and the family was sitting around during the visitation, we were laughing about all the good things that we had enjoyed with him. Some people looked at us and said "poor folks, so overcome by grief they can't control themselves". It didn't take millions of dollars of research for me to realize that "laughter is the best medicine" most of the time.

May God Bless,

Danny

 

[Nancy]

Dear Mary-

After seeing Joe through so many, many life-threatening surgeries and other medical situations, I know just how thin that thread of "the will to live" can be stretched. But somehow the will to live does not let go. I am so glad you are here and posting about your difficulties. Where there is life, there is always hope, and I am sure you will become stronger each day as you recover.

You've been through terrible medical problems. Your family needs you, YOU need you. You are going through one more medical obstacle, but you are coming out of it a winner.

Continued improved health in every respect wished for you.

It's true that life will never be the same as when we were younger, it's true for all of us. But as we go on and have various problems and things in our lives change, life develops another kind of beauty, maybe even better than what was before.

Let us know how you're doing.

 

[charlie b]

Hi Mary,

Hi Mary,

So sorry to hear of your struggles. I have just called on God to help you. I am new to the world of illness. Open heart 2 weeks ago, recovery going well. When friends ask me how I am doing I tell them great, but if I was going through an ongoing problem I may not be able to handle it as well as this one. I cannot relate to your depression and have no answers other than to turn them over to God. He cares for you and knows what you are going through. He is a shepard and he loves his flock. One thing I do know for sure is that your son and husband neeeeeeeeeeed you! You make up a huge part of their world. Please follow whatever avenues you can find that will help you, there are caring knowlegable people out there. I will be praying for you on a regular basis. I realize that God gave me a second chance, and that praying for others is one of the things he has allowed me to continue doing. God Bless You and Yours,,,,,,,charlie b

 

[geebee]

I have added you to my prayer list.

I know it is sometimes really hard to understand and accept the struggles you have. I think the "why me" is a very common human reaction. There is usually not an answer to that question but merely an acceptance of God's will and the knowledge that there is a plan and a reason.

You have already come to the realization that you do not want to die. Luckily you had that chance since you did not succeed in killing yourself. Now the hard part is to get up everyday and remind yourself of that realization. Force yourself to get out of bed, walk in the sunshine, hold your loved ones and thank God for this second chance.

Best of luck with determing how to solve your medical problems also. There are chronic pain clinics out there that may be able to assist.

You CAN get through this and come out on the other side happy and content to be alive. Let us help you.

 

[Debrinha GT]

It's not easy!

It's not easy!

Hi Mary, I think you've taken the first step which was to reflect on all that has happened. It's so hard to accept life with limitations, but it has to be done. I understand how hard it must've been for you, but try to put it down to a bad experience with its positive points. You seem to have become a stronger person now and more sure of what you want to do. I'll definitely remember you and your family in my prayers! Take care.
Débora

 

[Guest]

It's so hard to accept life with limitations, but it has to be done.

Understatement of the year, I'd say!

But, 'tis so true. It _is_ hard to accept limitations of any type. But, life is worth living...and should not be taken for granted.

I know I cringe whenever I see someone else (or feel myself, even) taking something for granted. Life is too short.

*shrugs*

Easier said than done, I know....but, 'tis true.

Mary...good luck; I hope you feel even better soon!


Cort, "Mr MC" / "Mr Road Trip", 31swm/pig valve/pacemaker
'72,6,9/'81,7.hobbies.chdQB = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort/
MC Guide = http://www.chevyasylum.com/mcspotter/main.html
What's it like to buy your favorite car brand new? Wish I knew...

 

[Granbonny]

Mary

Mary

Your son, Justin ( Nascar fan)who is a member of VR.com..just posted 3 weeks ago about your being back in the hospital.He was reaching out for us.....He needs and wants his Mom back... He is only a very young age.. He loves you and would NOT post to us for help....but needs someone..Anyone..who can help him... Do you really want him to look for help from strangers. He needs YOU....HIS MOM.... I will pray that you will get better. Just for Justin... ...Bonnie

 

[Harpoon]

Hey. Many of us have been there in one form or another.

I had a few bouts where I really didn't want to live any more before I had my valve replacement. everyhting had become such a struggle, jsut to get up and get dressed or take a shower or sit on the toilet.... I was so miserable, even now there are tiems when it's hard to think about where I was, how I got there. I don't know if I could go through all of that again. I say I can, but I don't really know and there will probably be a point in my life where it will all come up again.

I'll say I really wanted to be alone in it. I didn't want my family or friends involved to the point where they'd get hurt if I didn't make it. I didn't want to be a burden to them. That's still there at times, but I also know that I'm loved by a great many people well and beyond my immediate family. I fight for myself because I KNOW how much life is worth living. I take my meds (almost diligently) every day and on occassion I'm reminded by my 5 y/o son how important those things are, "Take your meds daddy, they're good for you" he says, repeating what mommie and I say when we're trying to get him to take his meds for a cold...


Life is precious, even if it doesn't seem that way to you right now. Imagine where you could be if you weren't in the hospital, imagine what you could do if you got just a LITTLE bit better.

I was on a feeding tube for close to a month after coming off the vent. I LIVED for a twice a day lemon ice cup, just this little treat that they'd allow me to have because it would help my swallow reflex, the ONLY food I was allowed for a month. That was precious, and getting past that, having a class of orange juice (the best tasting orange juice I've ever had) and chicken broth...

WOW!!!!


It might sound silly now, but those were amazing treats, amazing developements, when I finally achieved them. I LIVED for taking walks around the unit where I stayed. I'd sit for an hour watching or sketching fish in a fishtank at the end of the hallway, or going to a lounge area just outside the ward where they had copies of the Cleveland Plain Dealer that I could sit and read for a while.

Before I left the hospital room where I spent the last two weeks of my stay, I wrote "LOVE LIFE" on a dry erase board that was attached to the wall across from my bed. Dunno if it stayed up long, but it was intended as a message for whomever would read it, even if it's just the nurse or an orderly who erased it... That's so important, especially when things are looking so badly.

Positive attitude is extremely important, you can't recover without it.

By the way, I LOVE Dr. Mee.

I knew Duncan too, he was pretty nice to me, though I only saw him on the weekends mostly.

 

[Abbanabba]

Hi Mary, I'm so sorry to hear your condition has seen you get so low, but it sounds like you hit the bottom of the well and are fighting your way back to the top - good for you! I hope that with the help of your family and counsellor that you will be able to stay strong and cope with the hardships that have come your way.

I will never be able to go back to work. So now I have to look at other things that will fill those empty holes.

Perhaps you could consider becoming a counsellor yourself and passing on your first-hand experiences to others. Maybe you could just volunteer to chat with others in similar predicaments - I'm sure you can appreciate just how valuable it is to have someone listen and understand. I'm sure you'll find something to fill those holes.

In the meantime, hang in there!

Sending you hugs and best wishes,
Anna : )

 

[Barry]

Yeah, I went through a period post-op where, when I woke up in the morning, my initial reaction was disappointment. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, sex drive stunk, no pleasure out of life. I used to be a mental health worker and made a note to self to see a shrink if it lasted more than a month. Thankfully, it lifted.

 

[hensylee]

Mary, any cardiologist will tell you that depression can go along with cardiac problems. This is a give. Many in VR have had it. Most finally get past it. I hope your cardiologist is on top of this.

Psychiatrists? Be very careful if you go this route. Investigate any one of them that you consider. Medicine, in general, is not an exact science, but psychiatry is way not exact.