Husbands surgery Oct 15

[momshell7]

Hello all,

I would like to that all of you for your support during this very stressful time!
As the date gets closer my husband and I seem to be really on edge. I hate it!! It seems like we are arguing over the stupidest little things. I know he is stressed out about the surgery coming up but so am I. I am a natural worrier so this is really setting new heights for my worry/stress level. Any advice on how to deal with his or my emotional swings. It seems like they are worse at night. I really want to enjoy the time we have before the surgery but all he wants to do is finish all his jobs around the house that he has started or wants to do. He compared it to the nesting that a pregnant woman does. I understand it but it is still frustrating!!

Does anyone have any waiting room tips? I am trying to plan out what I am going to do in the waiting room for seven hours but I don't know what all to take. I plan on staying there from the start of the surgery until the time I get to see him afterwards so I will need a lot to occupy my time. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks again for all the replies I have gotten!
This forum has been a God-send to both Jeff and me!!

Michelle

 

[Ross]

Michelle leave him go and put up with the mood swings as best you can. Sooner or later he'll stop and realize that he's just wasting good time that he could be using enjoying you and life. It's something we all go through. We try to tell ourselves that we are keeping our minds occupied, but that isn't so either.

Take lots of quarters, money for food in the cafeteria, ask about a pager when you simply cannot be in the waiting room, ie restroom, food, etc.. They usually have a pager you can carry and will page you if the Doctor needs to talk to you. Surgery can last anywhere from 4 hours till the cows come home, so don't be set on the 7 figure. Take anything that you think you can use to occupy your mind. Take a friend or family member for support.

I'm sure others can add to this list. I want you both to realize that you need to knock off the moodiness and enjoy each other now. All that junk that he thinks he needs to do will be there later. Enjoy your lives now!

 

[momshell7]

huband's surgery Oct 15

huband's surgery Oct 15

Ross,

Thanks for the reply. Everything you said makes sense. It makes it easier to get advice from people who have actually been through what we are going through. I know our friends and family mean well but only those who have gone through this really understand. I am so glad to have found this site. It really helps to be able to put all your fears out on the table without fearing how someone will react to them. There is alway someone ( or many someones) who has gone throught the same things and can help you deal with your situation. Thanks so much for the continued support. You are all great!!

Michell

 

[Ross]

Drag Jeff over and have him read this.

Hey buddy, stop worrying about doing everything and forget it for now. You need to be spending this time for you and your family enjoying each other. Things will be hard and you may change some after surgery. Whatever the case, it's more important that you have a good life now with happiness abounding until this is over. All the projects that you think are making you take you mind off of surgery, are not taking your mind off of it, so stop lying to yourself. Michelle if your doing the samethings he is in a different way, both of ya stop and get back on track. Don't make this portion the hardest part, that is coming in it's own time. Enjoy each other and the time you have now. I cannot say that enough.

 

[Phyllis]

Michell,
Here's some more suggestions for the waiting room besides all the good ones that Ross gave you:
a good book or magazine (you may be able to concentrate for short periods of time)
I had a palm pilot with scrabble on it.
a cell phone (you can't use one in the ICU or the step-down unit, but you can generally use it anywhere else in the hospital
needlework if that is one of your hobbies
a list of your email contacts if the hospital has access to computers- the waiting room at Brigham in Boston had computers connected to the internet and printers.
A good friend or family member if that is possible! - saw lots of people playing cards and board games while they waited.

 

[tobagotwo]

Michelle, I can't help you on the waiting room issue, because I slept through it all.

I could make a kind of pushy suggestion, for what it's worth, about this anxious waiting time. I know money might be tight, and may get tighter, with him away from the job for a while, but maybe get a day with the boys to go somewhere, and then a day (or more, if possible) for you and Jeff to go somewhere, just yourselves. Maybe by the lake, near Lakeside, Marblehead, or the islands.

Remind him that he's done all there is to do, and he needs to "cool down" for the surgery. Tell him you don't want the inside of the closet painted - you want his time right now.

He probably feels like he's letting you and the boys down, and that tends to make us guys a lot like big cactus plants to be around. He can't change or control his situation, and we don't like that. That may be why he doesn't want to leave any of his house projects unfinished, because he sees them as promises he made, and as things he can actually fix.

You are both this way at least partly because you're so worried about each other, and have no power to control what's about to happen.

Try to help him look at that powerlessness as a blessing and relax, because it means your parts in "the Valve Project" are complete. Go out of your environment, where the thought of responsibilites would just keep nagging at him. You deserve some time together in all this mess.

For many people, there is a time of calm near the surgery. I hope you two get to enjoy some of that.


Very best wishes,

 

[Raverlaw]

Michell,

I went through the very same thing. I would let him be and let him do what he really wants to do. If the things he is trying to finish really aren't important to you, you can gently let him know that. But for me, tying up loose ends, both at work and at home, was like a little security blanket. I didn't know how long I would be laid up (it actually wasn't as bad as I anticipated) and one thing I could control was what I got done before the big date.

As for the waiting room-

Cell phone. Make sure the surgeon and ICU nurses have the number.
Books or magazines. Crossword puzzles work if you're into those.
Portable work? If you have some, (papers to read or write, bills to pay, sewing project, needlework, etc.) bring it.

Friend or relative. If you need support, have a stable, reliable person to be there with you. My wife's brother showed up, unannounced, and my wife said it was the best thing that happened to her all day.

Wear comfortable clothes, and bring a sweater. Some of those hospital areas can be VERY cold.

And be prepared. Talk with your husband's surgeon about what to expect immediately post-op. I let my wife read some of the post-surgery posts here, but she was still quite taken aback by my appearance when they first let her into the CVICU. Your husband will be white as a sheet and cold to the touch - he will literally look nearly dead. There will be tubes coming from every natural orifice and a few new places, too. He may be thrashing around, eyes rolled back in his head, etc. as he comes out of the anaesthesia. He won't be able to talk, as there will be a breathing tube down his throat. Work out a hand signal ahead of time with him for "I'm OK" and "I love you." Be near him and hold his hand if he is stable, but be ready to back off and get out of the way if the ICU nurses need to work on him. Don't be alarmed by the buzzers and beeps going off on the equipment - the staff know what they're doing and they will take very good care of him.

If it is too stressfull for you to see him this way, stay only a few minutes the first time. Then ask the nurse to call you when he is stable so you can come back and be there when he wakes up, which may take a while.

Michell, I hope this is all helpful to you. Please know that the surgery looks a lot scarier from the front side, and when it is all over you both will look back in relief, glad it is over and appreciative of all the positive changes in his health and your life. OHS is a good thing for those of us who need it. The scariest part will pass very quickly and soon become more like a wierd dream than a memory.

 

[momshell7]

Husband's Surgery

Husband's Surgery

Hello everyone,

All I can say is WOW!! I am so touched by all the replies we have gotten to our posts. I don't know how we would be dealing with this situation without all of you. I know Jeff has said many times how it helps to talk about things with people who know what he is going through. I feel the same way. Thanks you all so much.

I am hoping that the hospital has computers with internet. I will try to find that out the day we go in for the early admittance or whatever it's called the week before the surgery. I know having a compter with internet would certain help the time go by a little faster. My in-laws are planning on being there the day of the surgery but I am not sure if they are going to be there right from the start or not. It is nice to know that I won't be there alone. It all seems scarier when you are in the waiting room alone. I was nervous the day he went in for the catherization I can only imagine what a basket case I would be on surgery day alone.


Thanks again,
Michelle

 

[twoboysdad]

Ross,

Well she dragged me over as you asked! ha ha!

I admit I would like to do all the prodject that I have either started or talked about starting. I guess I am afraid that if I dont come home that she will be left with a lot of unfinished things and have to take care of two boys.

I have actually been thinking more lately on finishing those prodjects after surgery when i fully recoup. It has helped to think about things in terms of after surgery because it takes the worry out of thought of not making it.

Items I feel I need to get done before the surgery are things like. Doing extra at work to buffer my paycheck while I am off, setting up my "area" at home where I will be most of the time after surgery and little things that need done all the time that I wont be able to do afterwards.

I am sure everyone goes through this. Things have been tense around the house but we never forget to say "I am Sorry" and "I Love You" each and every day and night. And we never go to bed mad.

Thanks for the advice. I know Michelle likes to say that this site has been a big help for me. It has been a great help. But It has been an even bigger help for her. In fact she said yesturday, while driving in the car... "those people feel like best friends and we have never even met"

Thanks to all
Jeff

 

[Ross]

Jeff you aren't doing anything that the rest of us He-Man types didn't do. We all feel like that. It's our silly way of dealing with the inner stress, but I'll tell ya what, none of it is worth more then the time you can be spending with the family just having a good time now. You'll come though this just fine. You'll feel terrible for a few days and then slowly things will be returning to normal, then you can start dabbling with the smaller things to finish and work your way back to the mega projects.

I remember just throwing my hands up in the air and asking myself why I was really worried about this unnecessary stuff, I had an anniversary coming up, a kid graduating high school, birthdays to celebrate etc, and here I sat worrying about not getting things done. From that point on, whatever didn't get done, didn't get done and that's all there was to it. I think you'll soon feel the same too. You do as suggested, you and Michelle get out by yourselves and enjoy quality time with each other, then do the same as a family or vice versa, but don't sweat the small stuff, it's just not worth it.

 

[momshell7]

huband's surgery Oct 15

huband's surgery Oct 15

Ross,

You are awesome!! Everything you say makes so much sense. I just hope some of it sinks into Jeff's thick skull!! Our nineth anniversary is this coming Thursday so I am hoping that next weekend we can go out and do something just the two of us.

I think once Jeff gets his space set up for when he gets home we will all relax a little. The other stuff can wait. I know he wants to pack in as much work as possible before his surgery since he gets paid on commission. He wants to make sure we are able to still survive while he is off work. He is usually the strong one that holds us all together. He feels bad because he has no control of his condition or situation. Our older son had problems when he was born and he wasn't expected to live. Jeff was the strong one during that time. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown but he was there to keep me going. Now that he is the one with the condition I think he feels powerless. He feels he can't be the rock in this situation. I think reading all the posts on this forum have helped us both to be ok with what is going on.

It's still hard but we are doing ok. I guess if I was having an easy time with it something would be wrong. He knows how much I love him so I think ( and hope) that it is comforting to him. I will stick by him through whatever life throws our way.

Thanks again for being there, it really helps
Michelle

 

[Ross]

Your both going to be just fine. I've already checked into it and the little birdie has reported back already. You'll learn that my little birdie is very accurate. I'm trying to instill that doing all this extra "What seems like is necessary, but really isn't" stuff is just creating even more stress that doesn't need to be.

You'll both do just fine. Please try to relax as much as possible.

 

[momshell7]

Husband's Surgery Oct 15

Husband's Surgery Oct 15

I am glad to hear that your little birdie has reported good things back to you. I feel better knowing that!! I am feeling a lot better about things after having read so many other people's experiences. I am sure as it gets closer the butterfies will return! Our 9th anniversary is this thursday, so I am going to focus on enjoying that and worry about the other stuff later! The more I read the more confident I am becoming, which helps.

Thanks everyone for the support!!

 

[gijanet]

Hi, Michelle!

Hi, Michelle!

Having sat through three of my daughter's surgeries, I speak from experience. Don't worry about what you take to keep you preoccupied - nothing will, I assure you! You are going to watch the clock creep at an agonizingly slow rate while you wait for updates from the OR. If you take a book, you will only find yourself turning the pages and have no recollection as to what was actually on those printed pages. We always take the latest crossword puzzle from the New York Times, as it can be completed with spurts of concentration, but they will be very short spurts - and we have yet to ever complete one in the waiting room. If you have family and friends with you, so much the better, but you will find that you have absolutely nothing to talk about during this time. You try making small talk, but it fails miserably. YOu will, however, find yourself talking to other patients' "significant others" in the waiting room; this is especially true of a pediatric waiting room - not your case, I know.

I can only reiterate what the others have said, though, as far as change, phone cards, cell phone - at least people can leave messages on your voice mail and you can sneak outside and place calls, e-mail addresses - something I always forget, and phone numbers. Try and get on the computer to post updates if you can. It helps to pass the time. Pay bills. Start thank you notes. Even if you can't finish them, you can start them and get some of the mundane part out of the way. Keep a journal of your feelings - try and write down more than the word, "NUMB!" This is also useful post-op, which if no one has mentioned, can be invaluable. Write down all meds, any adverse reactions, etc. This can be very useful at some point down the road. It was only through our logs that we were able to determine that Katie cannot take Benadryl in combination with painkillers and sedatives. It turns her into a demon child. The docs were not able to figure this out, but we did based on her "history." Later, the pain folks backed us up on this combination sometimes having an "adverse reaction" in some kids. Anyway, take any mundane task that is portable; if it takes prolonged concentration, forget it.

Take a camera and a notepad or spiral. We also take a handheld portable cassette (digital) recorder - ya never know when this might come in handy. WE always record our surgeon's update after surgery - with his permission, of course, so we don't have to try and remember later exactly what he said. Any type of hard candy helps - dunno why, it just does. Take antacids for the vast quantities of coffee you will be consuming and aspirin for the headache that you will most assuredly have. Hand lotion, because once your hubby is in recovery and ICU, you will be scrubbing your hands non-stop.

Anyway, that is all I can think of right now, but will post you if I think of more. Much love and many prayers. Please keep us posted.

P.S. That recommendation of getting away for a day or two with just the family is a wonderful one - just don't pick somewhere where you are all going to sit around staring at each other, dreading and knowing what is looming over your heads. Pick a "do something" place - Disney World or whitewater rafting or touring a city or something. Take care and God bless.

 

[EVELYN]

Hi Michelle

I'm Evelyn whose husband, Tyce, had AVR two years ago this past June. Sorry I haven't responded to this thread, but we were up in the Finger Lakes at a dog show for a week.....there is a great life after AVR surgery.

When I think back on Tyce's surgery, I, and everyone else on this list, can tell you what a wreck I was. I was just like you and needed to have Tyce there 24/7, I guess because I was so afraid he wouldn't make it through the surgery. If I could have had it for him, I would have.

He, on the other hand, was like your husband. He had things to do and wanted to get them finished.....why I'll never know....before surgery. Now that I look back on it, I realize it was his way of taking care of me should anything happen.

Everyone deals with this decision in different ways. Women are basically nurturers and want to gather the family around. Men are different and handle things with a different spin. Let him do whatever he is doing....he needs it. Fighting won't help, you're both stressed to the max. Just tell him how much you love him every day and that he's going to be fine. He is, you know.

As far as the hospital, a sweater, a close friend or friends, cellphone, and something to do and read. It seems like forever, but if you're occupied it will go faster. I read and chatted, and remember there are many in your position in the same waiting room, so I'm sure you'll make friends.

Good luck, I'm sure everything will be fine.

Evelyn

As far as the hospital

 

[momshell7]

husband's surgery oct 15

husband's surgery oct 15

Thanks Janet and Evelyn!!

Your replies really help! I am so grateful to each and every person that responds. It reassures me that everything will be fine and also that everything I am going through is normal. I have been doing pretty good this past week. I have even told three people about Jeff's surgery without breaking down. I am so proud of myself. I still have moments when I feel like I am going to burst in to tears that will never stop coming, but they are getting to be fewer and farther between. I am sure that will change as the date gets closer. Right now( at least for today and tomorrow) I can say the surgery is next month. It makes it easier to deal with. 16 days just sounds way too close. I don't want to make myself panic any sooner than necessary.

Tomorrow is our 9th anniversary so we are planning to go out and do something just the two of us. This weekend, we are planning on going someplace as a family. Hopefully, this will help all of our stress levels!! I know the kids don't fully understand what is going on but I am convinced that they feel the tension and stress, even if we try not to let them see it. They have been so wound up this week and last!! They fight constantly and yell and scream at each other! I feel like pulling my hair out some days. But then as fast as you can blink they are being little angels. I know that boys are rowdy anyhow but it just seems like they have been worse lately. Maybe it is just me, and they seem worse because I am stressed.

Sorry for rambling. I guess I am just thinking out loud (or at lease on screen).
Thanks again for all of the support everyone here has given!!

Michelle

 

[Ross]

You ain't rambling on and it's probably a combination of everything with the kids. They sense when things are not right it the matrix. You should have had them swallow the blue pill Morpheus.

 

[Kelly Luisi]

Michelle - Hi it is Kelly! Jeff and I have been emailing back and forth lately because I too am having OHS very soon. My date is Oct. 6th. I can tell you and Jeff have a very strong conection, from your posts and what he has said about you in his posts! What you are going through is so normal and so hard.
My husband and I have had simular situations lately! Our boys are very close in age to your and I understand the frustration at times. This is a very hard thing you are going through in your marriage! Jeff is going to be fine!
This is my 3rd OHS, butthe first as a mother or adult. My husband is putting up with my moodyness and me trying to get it all DONE before surgery. It is a very strange thing to go through, you analize your life, figure out all your loose ends and try to make your life complete before that big day! Having kids in the mix during these times adds a whole new dimention!
I will email you later today and let you know our experience through this, I am on my way to UCLA to give my last blood donation today! We are praying for you Michelle! It is going to be OK!

Kelly

 

[momshell7]

huband's surgery Oct 15

huband's surgery Oct 15

Hi Kelly!!

Thanks for the post. I have been reading a lot of the posts about your upcoming surgery. I am so glad to hear from you. I feel like I already know you. Our families have a lot in common. I am so ready for Jeff's surgery to be here and gone! I am looking forward to having him home and on the way to recovery!

I want to wish you best of luck in your surgery. We will all be anxiously awaiting to hear it all went well. I am sure that you and Jeff will both do great! It is so amazing the advances doctors have made. I would have never thought that a mechanical part or a part from an animal could actually be put in a human and work. I am also so greatful that they do work. Jeff is already talking about the next time he has to have the valve replaced and how much is not looking forward to it. I keep reminding him to think about how many advances have been made since his surgery 21 years ago. There will be many more advances made between now and then. Who knows maybe a valve will be perfected that will last forever and not require any medications to be taken along with it. Stranger things have happened!!

Right now I just want to get through this surgery. I am so scared of it all. I have never been through any of this before so I don't know what to really expect. I can only go on other people's experiences. It helps to hear the experiences of others but I am sure my experience will be different in its own way, just like everyone else's experience is different in some way. I just hope I can stay strong and not breakdown in the hospital. I want to be there with Jeff the whole time. I don't want to faint or something because I am too scared. I guess once the surgery is over I will be feeling a lot more relaxed and hopefully I will be able to handle things better.

Thanks again,
Michelle

 

[momshell7]

AUGH!!Husband's surgery date changed!!

AUGH!!Husband's surgery date changed!!

Just when you think things can't get any more stressful!! I knew I should be scared that I was feeling a little bit too calm. We got a call from the surgeon today and the need to change the date of Jeff's surgery! They just left a message on the answering machine. They didn't say when they changed it to. I am not happy about this!! We have 100% coverage on our insurance through the end of October, after that the policy changes to a 90/10. which is good but still expensive. OH I will be so glad to have this over!! Maybe we will get lucky and it will get moved to a sooner rather than later date!! I guess we will find out tomorrow!

Will keep you all posted
Michelle