How to prepare for the hospital

[Nancy]

A couple of them I don't quite get, but it is funny anyway.


"Now, going to the hospital is never a fun to begin with,
but with these tips you should be able to prepare for your
stay, and minimize the discomfort when you get there.

1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe
you with his applicator.

2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat Coverage Interior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinky down your throat.

3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your nose.

4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your smile and repeating: "mild discomfort".

5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a Craftsman (squarehead) screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle.

6. Remove all actual food from the house.

7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat tree and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall.

8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube.

9. Rub a bit of honey on your left buttock, drop your pants, go over to a wasps nest, bend over and shake it just a bit.

10. Make sure that there is no toilet paper in your bathroom, eat a bowl of cherries, and have your wife ignore you completely as you plead for here to come and bring you a roll of the paper gold.

11.Call up your local cable company and insist that they charge you a monthly fee every day of the week. "

 

[hensylee]

I missed a couple, too, Nancy. Very funny. Shows how much we hate to go to 'that' place.

 

[geebee]

I managed to understand them all - sad to say, except perhaps the straws up the nose (maybe a reference to oxygen?). They sure do seem to be true.

 

[Lynlw]

I managed to understand them all - sad to say, except perhaps the straws up the nose (maybe a reference to oxygen?). They sure do seem to be true.

my thoughts were maybe vent or feeding tube

 

[Nancy]

I didn't quite get the Christmas tree lights thing, but then I remembered Joe trying to walk down the hall with an IV poll and an oxygen tank, and trying to help him manage all the tubing without getting tangled up and tripping.

I still don't quite get the lipstick tube thing, but it must be a reference to a urinary catheter.

 

[geebee]

I still don't quite get the lipstick tube thing, but it must be a reference to a urinary catheter.

I think they are referring to urine tests - having to pee into those tiny cups. Might be easier for men than women.

 

[Superbob]

No. 5 resonates with me -- the experience of waking up at 4 a.m.,the hour of perhaps the soundest sleep, with a nurse staring me in the eye and saying she was taking my blood sugar. I've never understood why it was so critical to get the blood sugar at 4 a.m., instead of say 6 a.m. -- but apparently that was when the nurses' new shift began and it was convenient for them.

 

[Nancy]

I was told that the early morning blood draws are necessary to get them to the lab and through the testing machines and the results obtained before any of the doctors start rounding for the day, and some of them start very early. They like to have all the results so they can give the orders for the day.

When you think about it, it makes sense.

 

[musician2k]

A few of those made me laugh so hard I thought I was gonna pop a stitch.

Another one I might add -

12. Mix equal parts paint thinner, nail polish, and Sprite. Add salt. Drink up, and get used to it cuz this is what that fast-acting potassium drink they sometimes have you drink tastes like!!!


Actually, I had exactly one nurse who knew how to make this more palatable. She'd take an entire cup of ice, set it aside, and then mix the potassium drink up in a separate cup of water. She had me pour that over the ice & drink it FAST. THAT worked.

 

[Lynlw]

Another one I might add -

12. Mix equal parts paint thinner, nail polish, and Sprite. Add salt. Drink up, and get used to it cuz this is what that fast-acting potassium drink they sometimes have you drink tastes like!!!


Actually, I had exactly one nurse who knew how to make this more palatable. She'd take an entire cup of ice, set it aside, and then mix the potassium drink up in a separate cup of water. She had me pour that over the ice & drink it FAST. THAT worked.[/QUOTE]


You want a fun experience, try shooting that into a babies mouth a couple times a day and NOT have them spit it right out, what we had to do to keep it down made me a nervous wreck when he was admitted since I thought it didn't look real good, so had the nurses give it (with out much luck)