Guilt feelings...

[PairoDocs]

My husband and I were doing OK after his OHS until we had to attend the visitation and funeral for a good friend over the weekend. We returned from a camping trip only to read about this friend's death on the prayer chain at church. Chris was asked to be an honorary pallbearer, as the people involved weren't sure that he could handle carrying a casket after his OHS.This friend had helped my mother-in-law with the kids and the farm while Chris and I were in the hospital for all the OHS and "stuff". He and his wife brought them food and helped with emotional support, etc. Chris has only fragmented memories of that time, and doesn't remember much of the conversations he had with this friend. He and this friend had been planning to get together, but our friend had been having problems of his own with his health, and had been basically bedridden for about the last month. Then, suddenly, he was gone, and he was only 55 years old. He did not want any autopsy, but most likely he died of a massive pulmonary embolus. He had a huge funeral, including a police escort and full military rites, including the 21-gun salute and taps. I had never been to a military funeral before; it was quite moving on it's own.

Here's the guilt part. First of all, I used to take care of this friend's medical needs until I changed jobs. I was forced to quit, since I am only doing women's health, now. He was forced to navigate the VA system until I could beg one of the local physicians to see him. I wonder if all could have been circumvented if someone who really cared had been his physician. The family doesn't blame me or anything; I blame myself.

Next, there is that whole issue of survivor guilt; you know, the why-was-my husband-spared-while-hers-died thing. Our friend had been making peace with various family members, but still was estranged from all of his children; not one of his children attended the funeral. He obviously still had some things to do. I realize I had nothing to do with God's decision in this matter, but I can see it in his family's eyes. There is a strain on the relationship with his family that wasn't there before. Obviously, I am very glad that my husband is in the land of the living with me! But still...

There is also the guilt that we didn't reciprocate enough for this friend. We have a lot of excuses... My husband's own heart problems and depression, the kids, etc. All real, but perhaps we should have made more of an effort...

Last, I'm sure that I don't have to tell you that all of this has brought up some unpleasant memories. Chris and I were just starting to recover from all of the backlash from his OHS, and now... More problems sleeping again, especially on Chris' part, and a resurgence of the depression. I hope that it is only a temporary setback.

We're just getting through this day by day.


Now Scorching in Idaho,
-Laura

 

[aussiemember]

Laura,

Thanks for sharing that with us. What an incredibly difficult and emotional time for you - My thought are with you and your husband - Jeanne

 

[hensylee]

as a dr, I am sure your personality is that 'I need to save everybody' - it isn't so. You logically know that. You no doubt felt guilty when you could not give him medical care anymore. There is natural guilt, especially for a caregiver such as you, when there is a death of someone close to you. My sister was carelessly murdered and I have gone, mentally, to that scene many times wondring what I could have done - but I logically know that nothing would have changed. You know it, too - logically. Bear your guilt, it is part of the grieving process. Eventually you will move on to the next phase, etc. You know that God is standing with you. Please remember your faith and use it to the fullest. This, too, will pass but the memories of your dear friend will always be yours. Blessins.............

 

[Cooker]

I agree with Ann??guilt is a part of grieving for many?.it also can be a source of pride / false pride, as in my case?..When my friend David died at 43 years old of cancer my emotions ran the gamut?..Why him and not me?.he never smoked, drank or drugged?.he always stood for what he thought was right (and it usually was)?.and me?.lets just say flip the coin?..

We are not in control of when we, or anyone else exits this life, but to second guess the power/powers that be is natural at a time like this?..If you believe in a creator then you have to believe that that creator is in control of creation?..

 

[Marguerite53]

I am so sorry for the loss of your close friend. I, too, think that guilt is part of the process of grieving.

On May 31st I lost my father. He was 88 with full blown Alzheimer's and oftentimes combative and difficult. He was not under my complete care, but I saw him several times a week and was very involved medically for the last 6 months. He had a physical condition which I thought a little medical procedure could rectify. It did, for a few days. But then he went downhill suddenly and I had to take him to ER. That doctor (this reminds me, I really need to send that man a thank you note) kind of waved his Advance Directive at me (kindly, though...oh, so kindly) and said, look. He doesn't want you to do anything. Are you wanting to go against his wishes? What do you want to do? Well, of course I had to basically sign his death warrant and put him on hospice. He only lasted 2 days, gratefully. I was positively guilt stricken until just recently. One day it just lifted. Just lifted. Really. Like a wound. It just suddenly is healed.

So please honor the grief, acknowledge it, drink it in and let it do its work in you for awhile. But know that of course you are not even remotely responsible. This was a grown man who made choices in his family life that you had nothing to do with. This is a man whom you befriended for the nature of his soul, not for the path he was given to walk on this earth. You did help him. You were by his side for much of the difficult part of his journey. You did well.

Best wishes to you both. And relish and be deeply grateful that the two of you are together still. If there is any lesson to be taken from this recent sorrow, then acknowledge that, too, and vow to be more aware of whatever it is the lesson is prompting you to see. That is the greatest thing you can do to honor this situation, isn't it?

Best wishes.

Marguerite

 

[WayneGM]

Sorry for the loss of your friend. As others have said, guilt is often part of the grieving process. Best wishes.

 

[Nancy]

Yes, guilt is indeed part of the grieving process. I felt it also.

Intellectually, I knew there was nothing more I could do to improve Joe's health. I had pushed his doctors to the nth degree, making sure there were no mistakes, and trying to catch every little thing. There were no more tests to do, there were no more treatments. His body was failing massively.

When I spoke with one of the ICU doctors at the nursing station, he was frustrated, and I said, "but he doesn't want to go". The doctor looked at me and had the latest bloodwork in his hands, and he pointed to the results, and said, "Nancy, he won't have a choice. These results are disastrous, I don't know what is keeping him alive."

So I said, "well, I guess we cannot go any further, I have pushed you guys to the max", and he said, "yes, you have and then some"

I knew I had to let go in my head. But there was a strong feeling of "if only" that has lasted for a long time.

As I said, intellectually, I knew the score, I am not stupid. But emotionally, it was another matter.

It will just take time and a lot of talking to yourself about a reality check and marrying your emotions with your intellectuality.

You have my condolences on the loss of your good friend.

 

[PairoDocs]

Thanks, all, for the kind advice. I know that it is all part of the grieving process-intellectually, that is. But putting it into print and reading your responses somehow emphasizes the emotional aspect. I know we will get over this. I just need more patience...

Mosquito-y in Idaho,
-Laura