Future life decisions

[Ozmercy]

I decided to start a new thread on this subject. I have had some friends tell me I am being a bit morbid when I talk about making sure I have covered all of my bases for my wife and daughters in case the worst case scenario happens. I am just trying to be a reponsible husband and father and face the reality of things. I have a very positive attitude that I am going to survive especially now that I feel that I have a great heart team. Dr. Siegel, Dr. Trento, and the valvereplacement.com gang!

Like Lisa Jeanne and Musician2K i am anxious to get surgery done, but there is much learned in the journey. Facing my mortality has been very good for me, though not fun! I wonder if many of you, like me, are thinking through do I change my pace and my future plans. As a firefighter the chances oy getting back to full duty are very much in question. My dad died at 62, uncles at 50 and 52, my grandfathers in their early 70s. All of them from various heart issues. My grandmother and one of the uncles appear to have had aneurysms, the rest had heart disease, which I do not have. My stress test gave me a score of excellent, and showed no blockage at all. I am hopeful of a very full life after surgery, but i am thinking that it may be time to retire and consider a total change of pace. This would be both for my health and a longer life, but also I want to do some things that I am very passionate about. I have decided to wait on any action along this line until I am on the other side and closer to feeling 100% but I can't stop thinking about it. I have been a mentor to college age and high school age young men most of my adult life. I have had groups of young men that either don't have dads or have dads that don't spend a lot of time with them. I have no sons so these guys have been my spiritual sons of a sort. I vacation with them I hang out with them, and we talk about the stuff of life. I have helped them make job choices and school choices, and just been a sounding board for most of them. I want to do this more. I want to make a difference one guy at a time. I have tried to include a picture of one of my early groups of guys at Hume Lake. Retiring early would be hard on the pocketbook, but it is possible. Have any of you felt this way. I feel like Frodo in the Lord of the Rings when Gandalf said to him, it is not up to us to decide the times that we live in, but to decide what to do with the time we have.

Again I am trying to hold off on any decision making, I just have been obsessing with these thoughts about the future. What do I do on the other side of the fence? I guess a lot of that will depend on what the other side of the fence looks like.

 

[geebee]

Oh yeah - have been there many times.
It is very important to think about the "what ifs" during the time leading up to surgery. Many family members do not want to hear it but you have to make them listen because YOU need to talk about it. Despite the good odds these days, people do die during OHS and the fear of that cannot be discounted or brushed aside because it hurts to consider.
I am not sure but I hope you are thinking of a tissue valve if you plan on staying with firefighting. I think most districts will not allow someone on coumadin to be an active firefighter. If you are not sure about your district be sure to find out so you are not surprised. I can understand your wanting to stay in the field. I work for a fire district (in the office - not as a firefighter) and it is a great life.
However, there is a lot to be said for early retirement and spending your time helping others in a different way (of course, firefighting is helping others in a big way). There may be things you want to do that preclude working full-time. Also, what about the option of working part-time for your fire district and full-time with your mentoring? Might be easier monetarily.
I would retire tomorrow if I could afford to do so. I would love to spend more time volunteering at my hospital and spending time with my niece and nephews.
This pre-surgery time is a wonderful time to ponder your future. The concept of there not being a future really helps us to focus on what is truly important in our lives.
I wish you well.

 

[Nancy]

The VAST majority of people undergoing this surgery go right back to work after the healing phase at roughly 6-8 weeks. I will let others who may be in the same field as you are answer the questions pertinent to that field. But you will not be an invalid. And you may very well be feeling better than you have for a long, long time.

That being said, there is nothing wrong with thinking of all the things that could happen and have a little plan. That's prudent.

It is advised for everyone who has major surgery to have things like wills, powers of attorney, etc. and all your financial and legal house in order. That is just common sense. They will ask you anyway when you get to the hospital about living wills, healthcare proxies and stuff like that. It is routine and they do that for everyone. So you should be thinking about what your wishes are in that regard.

So, yes, you should be thinking about all this stuff. We all should whether we are having surgery or not. And the hospital will make sure you are thinking about at least part of it.

 

[Mike C]

Morbid or not, its the right thing...It would be irresponsible not to do what you are doing for your wife and daughters.


Take it day by day.

 

[Ross]

Morbid or not, its the right thing...It would be irresponsible not to do what you are doing for your wife and daughters.


Take it day by day.

Precisely! Though it's a miniscule chance of not making it, it is the most prudent thing to do since choosing a valve. By all means, get a Will done, Durable power of atty, Living will and Advanced directives drawn up and on file.

Friends and Family think they are being understanding by the suggestions of fluffing it off, but it would be the most unwise thing to do. They want you to feel better about it, but honestly, could you feel better knowing that your loved ones aren't protected in the event of your loss?

Being a firefighter you should be able to return to unless the department has something against it. Our member Harpoon is a firefighter and he's been through near death with his surgery and is still on the job as well as a news photographer. If you feel like slowing down and appreciating more then life, go for it. There is nothing wrong with doing what you really want to do.

 

[musician2k]

Thanks, Oz for this post. Very important....and since you mentioned me (rightfully, I'm going thru this in just a few days...) I'm gonna chime in here. I've been thinking about many of the SAME things you are! Right now, I'm teaching at home, privately. Much less stress, but much less pay too. And no benefits. I'd like to be able to return to work, get full time pay & benefits again. That might afford my wife the opportunity to change her lifestyle or even career a bit as her job has been a bit of a drag of late. On the other hand, am I doing my body a disfavor by returning the classroom, with the stress that that invariably entails? Do I really need to stress my heart a hundred times on a daily basis? Or is this exactly what a healthy heart is FOR? Questions, questions....

Now for a question for you & the other experts here - is a will or power of atty necessary if you're married? My understanding is, what I own, SHE owns. Both our names are on everything incl. bank accounts. I just can't see a problem there, if I were to pass away.

I have no idea how to draw up a power of attorny, or an advanced directive, but I've a feeling I should know. If someone can help, please reply here or, better yet (so as not to usurp this thread) msg me privately.

Chris

Precisely! Though it's a miniscule chance of not making it, it is the most prudent thing to do since choosing a valve. By all means, get a will done, power of atty, living will and advanced directives drawn up and on file.

Friends and Family think they are being understanding by the suggestions of fluffing it off, but it would be the most unwise thing to do. They want you to feel better about it, but honestly, could you feel better knowing that your loved ones aren't protected in the event of your loss?

Being a firefighter you should be able to return to unless the department has something against it. Our member Harpoon is a firefighter and he's been through near death with his surgery and is still on the job as well as a news photographer. If you feel like slowing down and appreciating more then life, go for it. There is nothing wrong with doing what you really want to do.

 

[lisa jeanne]

You are not morbid

You are not morbid

I have been told I am not being positive when I say something like this " If I die or have a complication do not get rid of the dogs." I told my boyfriend I would come back and haunt him if he ever did. I love my dogs soooo much. I have a great attitude with my surgery, but it is normal to say what if. You are just being realistic and a good person, spouse, and dad. You will do just fine, but I understand where you are coming from. Take care and keep up your great outlook.

Lisa, snoopy, and riley

 

[Marguerite53]

I completely enjoyed reading your post. You sound like an incredibly giving and gifted man.

Do not be taken aback by your friends? descriptions of your endeavors to plan appropriately for your family?they are not walking in your shoes. YOU are. Because you have a deeper understanding of your probable outcome you have been able to approach these things with a more practical mind-set. My being prepared with an advance directive and a current will (even special ?nice stationary? notes to my 3 kids and husband) was absolutely essential to my being able to go into the whole thing in a positive way. I was ready. I had done and said all that I could for them. I was at peace.

You have a great attitude. You will do fine!

As far as changing your life around, many of us go through dramatic realms of thinking when faced with such an experience. That you are being cautious is prudent. You may wake up from your recovery and have a whole new set of ideas!!! It is very important that you are giving them voice right now! Keep talking and thinking of things. Make some notes! Write down some pros and cons that you can review later on when your heart is beating soundly and surely. This whole investigation gives you the sense of optimism and future success that will be a wonderful companion as you recover!

As surgery got closer, I found myself spending a lot more time with my thoughts. It was very pleasant! Soon, you will have people poking and measuring every breath you seem to take!! Your mind will be fuzzy and you?ll have reminders when you reach for things or do simple tasks, that you?ve been through ?the ringer?. So what you need to do with these thoughts now is enjoy them?..indulge in them??they will become your precious reserve when you are lying around waiting for your body to come back to you. And it will come back. It will even better than before!! And then?.you?ll be ready!!

Best of luck. I will be watching to see how you progress!!

Marguerite

 

[Nancy]

A power of attorney is necessary if your wife needs to make decisions for you, re: just about anything while you are not able to. It could involve just about anything from financial matters to getting medical records to even speaking with some medical personnel. It will also allow her to sign medical paperwork, etc.

You never know what might happen so this is a very good thing, especially if you are under the weather somewhat after surgery. You won't want her to have to be dragging you out and about when you are in recovery mode.

As an example--Thanks to the Hippa laws...... I got a call from the pharmacy re: a prescription for Joe. We hadn't sent in any prescriptions so I asked what it was for. The girl wouldn't speak with me about it, wouldn't tell me what it was for or anything else. Joe is having some major medical difficulties right at the moment, not from surgery, and wasn't able to come to the phone. I got nowhere.

I could have whipped out the Power of Attorney and driven to the pharmacy, but I was taking Joe to the doctors anyway, so we swung by the pharmacy and he went in with me walking very slowly with his cane and having some breathing problems. I showed the girl just why Joe couldn't race to the phone to answer her questions. As it turned out, it was a VERY old script that was no longer needed. So we made sure that the pharmacy would speak to me on the phone from now on.

That's how stupid and picky things can get.

Get a POA drawn up so your wife won't have those kinds of stupid problems.

 

[mntbiker]

Morbid? No, not at all. Why do people write a will when they have nothing wrong with them? It's called being prepared, the surgery just forces you to be prepared.

I had a job in the past that required I travel. I made a video for my kids in case anything happened. It was just to be prepared, I wanted them to remember me.

Having everything in order just makes it that much easier on the others around you.

 

[Phyllis]

You have definitely made all the right decisions as to providing for your family with all bases covered which I assume include a will, durable power of attorney and health care directive. Life altering decisions can wait until you climb back down the mountain and re-access your options, but like Marguerite, I agree that your present planning and musing is therapeutic and not destructive at all. If you have the means and the will to retire and spend your time giving back to others or even a career change, why not go for it. I think we all, patients and spouses, find new meaning to what's important in life after going through this surgery.
You will do fine and I send you my admiration and very best wishes.

 

[Georgia]

Chris, your hospital will have the durable power of attorney forms for you - you just have to fill them out & have them notarized.

I've had two life-threatening (and life-redefining) situations - cancer when I was 40, and valve replacement at 53. After two years back at work I chose to take the financial hit and retire at 55. Work had become incredibly stressful and unpleasant and I decided that I no longer wanted to feel miserable a great percentage of my life.

I was fortunate that I had this option available to me; my husband took early retirement and has a good pension and great benefits; my kids were grown; and we'd lived frugally and I'd put a lot into my 401k.

I don't think you'd ever regret early retirement. This is not an original thought but so true - at the end of your life, you'll never wish you'd spent more time at work.

 

[hensylee]

you should have a DURABLE POWER OF ATTORNEY. So should your wife (and all of us in VR). My brother is in a nursing home; I have a power of attorney but it doesn;t say DURABLE and some places won't take it, even tho the instructions are nearly the same. You should also sign one of those papers (living will, I think) the hospital has that lets you make end of life decisions ahead of time. I do it each time I have been in the hospital; I also have a legal one I carry around.

You will no doubt be just fine but I always make sure I have my affairs in order. All of us should. If the rest of y'all haven't done it, do it.

 

[sue943]

To my mind making 'arrangements' is just being practical.This time last year I had given instructions that my daughter's wedding and honeymoon must go ahead regardless as what happened to me (just as well that I did that as I ended up being re-admitted as an emergency the day before the wedding), I had made arrangements regarding my funeral and written a letter to be posted in the event of my death to my ex-husband who is still the executor of my will telling him how to find my bank accounts, insurance policies etc.

Once I had made all my arrangements I felt so much better, it also gives you somehing to do while waiting.

 

[Adam T]

Morbid, no. Responsible, yes.

Don't forget your living will and a medical power of attorny. In case you are incapacitated and can not make healthcare decisions for yourself, it lets you decide in advance if you want feeding tubes, hydration, etc. It also lets you decide who will make decisions regarding life support etc. Think about the Terry Schivo case.

I did my will, living will and power of attornies on some software I bought at Best Buy. It worked out real well. I had a friend that is a lawyer look over it and even he said that if you don't have anything overly complicated the software is the way to go.

I should mention that my wife really appreciated my getting this done. it was one less thing for her to worry about on surgery day.

 

[OldManEmu]

Decisions

Decisions

Ozmercy welcome aboard. I think the advice you have been given regarding legal issues wills and power of attorney has been pretty much covered. As for the second part I wouldn't make any sudden decisions regarding life direction until at least 3 months post surgery. Some of your blood relatives may have died early from heart problems, you however have the opportunity to get yours fixed; this may not have been an option for them one or two generations ago. As for being a fire-fighter if you receive a mechanical valve they probably will not let you return to active duty, is redeployment to a non active role an option? Every one that has responded to you is either a survivor of this type of surgery or a relative. I suggest you revisit your future direction a few months after surgery, not before.

 

[Ozmercy]

Thanks for all the advice

Thanks for all the advice

I really appreciate all the good words. I have a living trust, and an advance directive giving all authority to my wife or the executor of our trust. I am working on the whole issue of, is this possibly covered by Workers Comp thing. Heart issues with firefighters are considered presumptive as being covered. Being that this is possibly genetic in nature makes it more complicated. The job has definitely exascerbated the inherited problem so it is a touchy one for lawyers and claims adjustors to argue about. I am trying to just focus on keeping healthy. Had a good walk this AM and am trying to control the eating. It is so easy to eat when you are bored!

Thanks to all regarding not getting ahead of myself, that is what my mind tells me but my emotions want to sell the house move to Knoxville Tenn. and start a whole new life with a slower pace. My wife isn't to hot on that idea to say the least. I honestly know not to do any of these things. I really need to stay the course and see how things turn out and as a dear friend of mine says, "RIDE THE WAVE DUDE!"

I am anxious to hear from Temp 69. Any news out there?

 

[Wise]

you should have a DURABLE POWER OF ATTORNEY. So should your wife (and all of us in VR). My brother is in a nursing home; I have a power of attorney but it doesn;t say DURABLE and some places won't take it, even tho the instructions are nearly the same. You should also sign one of those papers (living will, I think) the hospital has that lets you make end of life decisions ahead of time. I do it each time I have been in the hospital; I also have a legal one I carry around.

You will no doubt be just fine but I always make sure I have my affairs in order. All of us should. If the rest of y'all haven't done it, do it.

I second this....get a Durable power of attorney. My mother was able to get her now deceased sister's money out of the bank which she later used for her funeral, etc. It was so helpful. The bank wanted my mother to use their form, but what the hospital gave her was legal and they did accept on the second try; her sister died the next day. If my aunt had a will that would have been so helpful also, but she didn't.

 

[Cooker]

Get all the legal stuff taken care of. It is a must!! Also I made a list of who to call. People such as my investment people, life ins. people, 401k people, heat and ac people, plumber, handy man etc. I am in the car business so I even set up who my wife is to contact when she needs a car and set it up with a two trusted co-workers.

Over kill in this situation is not a bad thing

Tom