From a Dead Calm to a Squall

[KimC]

Hi,

Hope you like my choice of words in the title of this thread to describe what I've been experiencing for the past few days. (Hurricanes, tropical storms and squalls are on my mind -- I live in the South).

Two weeks ago, I asked my cardio to lower my dose of Cardizam because I was feeling OK but gaining water weight and losing some hair. He agreed to give me the lower Rx but warned that the chest pain could return.

It did, and how.

Wed. and Thurs. I felt debilitating spasms after full, active days. Fri. I spent mostly in bed and e-mailed my doc with my symptoms. He asked to see me but I pushed back seeing him until Mon. My husband's out of town and I'm caring for my children. What if he decided to hospitalize me and pump me full of meds? Who would take care of my kids, and wouldn't that scare them?

I bet on resting and returning to the higher dose of Cardizam, plus nitro as needed which so far is working, i.e., the squall is dissipating.

Am I cursed to live this way from now on? Can you believe that's my line of thinking??? Some days I feel self-pity and anger. Like today. Right now, this moment. Bleh to heart disease! Bleh, bleh, bleh as my three-year-old would say with a moutfull of broccoli. Bleh and oh, I want to cry now. I can't believe it.

I will probably keel over trying to be the person I was two years ago. Isn't that selfish? Does anyone else go through this kind of denial and self-pity?

Thanks,

 

[Ross]

I don't know what the situation is with you and your husband, but you've got to put yourself first with this stuff. Anything happens to you and what do the kids have then? I'm sure someone would watch them till dad gets home. There has to be something out here that can help you. I don't know what that something is, but lets hope we find it soon aye?

 

[Mary]

I will probably keel over trying to be the person I was two years ago. Isn't that selfish? Does anyone else go through this kind of denial and self-pity?

Kim,
If I thought denial and self-pity would do any good, you betcha I'd be doing it. But I figured out a while ago that it changes nothing, and the time I have is better served not being used in that manner.

Let us know what the doctor finds when you go in Monday.
Mary

 

[Raverlaw]

Kim,

I agree with Ross- when your cardio tells you to come in, you should GO in! You can always discuss hospitalization with him at the office; it's not a good idea to just put it off, fearing the worst.

And whenever your husband is going to be out of town for a spell, you two should make emergency child care arrangements just in case. People often don't think of this, but you could easily be hurt or hospitalized just from a car accident or a fall down the stairs. Do you have a network of friends, possibly others with children near the ages of yours? Or is there family nearby?

Hang in there and you will get the medication adjusted to the best dose for you. I know the process is frustrating: and YES, you will have to deal with it, in one flavor or another, for the rest of your life. It's OK to cry and lean on us a little - we understand.

 

[Harrybaby666]

Hi Kim

Hi Kim

Hi There Kim,

I just saw your post and wanted to say to you that I have pretty much been going through this denial thing for the past few months...I think mine is from worrying to much about what has happened to my father, and wondering if it's going to happen to me... (He needs a heart transplant). They told him that he has a pretty low survival rate and it really wouldn't be worth it given his other medical problems..I am only 38 and I am catching up to him fast with the heart issues, so I guess you can understand that it really is easy to feel the way you do given the way you feel physically plus the combining factor that you don't expect to get sick at an early age...I just wanted you to know that I feel the same way you do, especially when it comes to all the doctor's appointments that I have to go to...Please know that you are not going through this alone....Take Care, Harrybaby666

 

[tobagotwo]

Kim,

Unfortunately, you are stuck between the proverbial rock and hard place with two children and a "lucky clover" heart valve as company. I don't see how it could not get to you from time to time. Heck, even just the kids can do it...

You can't be as active as you were two years ago right now because of the calcium deposits on your valve. That takes away some of your energy. But you know about that. But you also know it's not a permanent, untreatable condition. Okay, so you're not thrilled with the treatment, either. Good point.

However, by the time you really need it, you will be. It will start to look very good to you, in an I-don't-know-what's-been-holding-me-back-all-this-time kind of way. And the results will be good. The chances are very high that you'll get back what you had two years ago, and more.

But you're not ready yet, as far as you've related to us, and it takes some time for the body to get there. If you have doubts, go for a second opinion. There is room for genuine discussion and disagreement about a four-leaf clover, as it is so uncommon and little-understood. Look at the reactions (size changes) in the rest of your heart within the scope of your oldest to newest echoes. That can give you a good idea of how your heart is being affected. You do have angina (assuming that the chest pain is angina?), which I didn't have until my heart was quite bad. But each person is different, and it may also have another cause that I am oblivious to altogether.

So, for right now, there are going to be times when things are not so good. And when you're not going to be full of energy to do all the things you feel you want to get done. And some things will ony get done when they show up in the need pile, instead of the want pile.

And some days you're still going to do everything you want to and get away with it.

Look for ways to be efficient in the things that tax your energy. Look to the kids to contibute small things to the general effort. Consider which things are not as necessary in life right now, that you might not do as often. Look for things that make you smile. Do look for backup for the kids in case of emergency - you need that anyway.

No one can do anything about it at this point, I guess. But I am sorry you are going through this time, and appreciate how it can get you down. I hope you can distract yourself with some of the things you enjoy in life, and bring yourself to feeling better before long.

Visit the sad place, but don't dwell there. Children learn to distract themselves and change out of tears at a moment's notice. We resentfully forget how to do that as we get older, as we fancy our concerns to be more important. But we should consider relearning that ability from them.

I leave you with these, from Antoine de Saint-Exupery, author of Le Petit Prince :

"What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it hides a well."

"The meaning of things lies not in the things themselves, but in our attitude towards them."

And this one, which is not particularly relevant, but which I have always loved: "Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them."


Best wishes,

 

[KimC]

Thanks, Bob, you've marked my mind w/ your quotes. The desert is a strong metaphor, (especially in contrast to a squall).

I saw my doc today who looked me over and mentioned that I may have to go on an even higher dose of the Cardizam. He felt my ankles for swelling and said he wanted to see me back in two weeks. He thinking about another stress test.

I'll keep you posted.

Mary, I like your attitude. Sometimes I have moments of despair. Then my children do or say something that provokes a full belly laugh and I feel soooooooo much better!

xo,

 

[KimC]

P.S. Ross, I can't convince my husband to pay for help while he's away. It's dirty laundry but all related to his mindset about money. (And remember we were the lucky dotcommers).

 

[Karlynn]

Kim,
I read your post and it takes me back 13 years. I remember the feelings you describe, like it was yesterday.

I think the idea of setting up a backup childcare option for emergency need is a great idea. I did that when I was at my worst (and my children were babies and toddlers) and it really set my mind at ease and freed me of some stress (that we know can contribute a good deal to our over-all condition from time to time). I remember worrying about feeling worse and not being able to care adequately for my kids. I ended up calling on the backup care giver several times. And I was so glad she was there. With a husband that traveled for work, it was an additional concern I was glad to release. My backup care was a senior citizen woman from our church. She was terrific with the kids, and did it as a gift to me. Most times I called on her was when I just felt too rotten to be up and chasing my small children. She'd come over for an afternoon and play with the kids while I napped. I only actually had to call her once when I needed to go to the hospital.

 

[Marguerite53]

I don't know how you are managing!

I don't know how you are managing!

Kim, I have 3 children, 17, 19 and 22 tomorrow. When they were little they were such wonderful bundles of energy and love. I had all my energy then and even that was barely enough!! I cannot imagine feeling like I feel now and having little ones. You are amazing. I loved being around them so much that I rarely let anyone else care for them. In retrospect, I'm not sure that was the best course. I think they depend on me too much. I think I didn't trust anyone else with them and that was nonsense. I know you say it's a money issue, but as Karlynn recommended, perhaps there is someone who can do it for less to none for you. I think it would be worth the hunt.

I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this. I know that keeping up a good front for children must be wearing. I had a real meltdown recently and I think it was very catharctic for me. Don't deny yourself your feelings. Thank goodness for this site. We are all wonderful listeners and here 'round the clock!

My oldest who is turning 22 has always been very close to me. When I was very pregnant with child #2, we moved to a bigger house. After a week of unpacking I suddenly was overcome with exhaustion. I leaned back against a wall, slithered down to the floor and just started sobbing uncontrollably. My little 2 year old son came running in to see what was up. He looked very concerned. He ran back out of the room. When he returned, still running, he had his blankie with him, his most significant comfort object. He ran up to me, stopped short and handed me his blanket. Needless to say I started bawling harder, but at least it was for a different reason! Such a tender moment.

I know you have many of these. I hear them in your reflections and your ebbs and flows. Try to relish these for all they're worth. Maybe they will be your biggest strength.

Hang in there and keep us posted on your progress!

Marguerite

 

[Karlynn]

My oldest who is turning 22 has always been very close to me. When I was very pregnant with child #2, we moved to a bigger house. After a week of unpacking I suddenly was overcome with exhaustion. I leaned back against a wall, slithered down to the floor and just started sobbing uncontrollably. My little 2 year old son came running in to see what was up. He looked very concerned. He ran back out of the room. When he returned, still running, he had his blankie with him, his most significant comfort object. He ran up to me, stopped short and handed me his blanket.

Teared up on this one!

And it's also a good example of how even small children can feel a sense of responsibility for their parents. I know my children did when they were young. I felt badly about them being concerned about me. But I'd like to think that it is part of the reason they are very caring at 18 and 20.