Feeling depressed and really down.

[ericaj]

I don't know if this is just the week to feel defeated, distressed and emotionally rocky.. but I am definetly feeling all of these and just very depressed all day today with my job situation and unclear cardiac picture.
I don't mean to sound dumb and I know there are others here much worse of than me but I just need to vent.. I have almost started crying 3 or 4 times already today and just need to talk before I go to bed. I posted earlier this week about being sick again (4th time in 2 or less months) well needless I can't go back to my job now until I talk to one of my drs. and my family dr. is off on leave and she is the only one in her clinic who really knows all that has gone on.. I see my EP dr. on tuesday but as much as I like him I don't think he really understands how much of a damper this heart stuff keeps putting on me. I have a call into my Congenital Cardio who is running the stress test in 2 weeks and I am hoping he calls me back tomorrow as I need to talk to someone about this and what I can do as far as work and all. This is the 3rd time I have been of off work - also in less than 2 months i'd say and I can't afford this being off at all - financially I feel way over my head, mentally I am going to punch something --HARD and emotionally I want to cry. I work as a nursing assistant so am required to lift up to 60pds routinely in transferring patients, lifting, on my feet, and every time I go back to work lately I have gotten sick -- again leading to having to be off of work and no paycheck.. I took this semester off from college so that I could hopefully get caught up on bills but so far that hasnt happened as I am it seems constantly off of work. I honestly don't know what to do anymore.. I think my new cardiologist will help to figure out what is going on, but I feel like I am losing it, am I nuts.. is it just in my head. .. The symptoms I am having don't seem to really add up to the degree of aortic valve disease I have (stenosis and insuff. - both early moderate stage) at least as far as the echo's show no left ventricle hypertrophy, or other effects to heart. But the arrhythmias, such as fast heart rates and extra beats, SOB, tiredness, dizzyness, near syncope (have passed out only once recently) and may or may not be related but getting sick alot recently are driving me insane and just don't even know what to do anymore.. My job won't let me come back until I discuss this all with one of my drs. because they I am sure are covering there butts in case something would happen to me at work. They pretty much have said they don't think I should do that line of work and that they'd kinda like it if I werent to come back and where surprised when my EP doc. did release me back after teh EP study, tilt and heart monitor insertion.

I am sorry to go on and on, I am just so confused and so can't take much more of this.. I just want to be some one else for awhile. Not me.

Erica

 

[MarkU]

Erica,
I think that most of us here have had battles with depression - I certainly did and still do at times (including sleepless nights, which explains why I'm on the Internet at 3:30AM). There have been times of dispair when I felt that God was punishing me for some unknown transgression.
My boss literally called me in the hospital two days after my AVR to tell me that our company was shutting down and that I would have no job to return to. Had two kids in college at the time. FL refused to pay me unemployment for several months after my discharge because I was not "actively seeking employment" during my initial recovery. I was eating up my retirement savings and had no idea of what I was going to do.
At times I'm not sure how I got through it all, but I have so far.
I eventually found a new job in a new career field - one that I enjoy and is actually less stressful that my previous job. There are still accumulated debts to pay, but I'm chipping away at them.
Sometimes you just have to take things day-to-day basis, or even just minute-to-minute in order to survive emotionally. Don't stress out over things that you can't control.
Life is not always fair or what we want it to be, but things seem to have a way of working themselves out.
The most important thing at this point is to get your medical issues addressed with your doctors. Once your health issues are under control then you will be better able to deal with the other issues in your life.
Stay strong and don't ever be afraid to ask for help if you need it.
If nothing else there will always be a lot of sympathetic understanding and support from the members here. Their words of encouragement got me through some tough times too.
Take care,
Mark

 

[hensylee]

another early riser here - been up since 3:15.

Erica, depression is one of the most debilitating 'illnesses' there are. It isn't an illness in the way that we can go get an antibiotic to cure it and it's not even a true physical illness. It has to cure in its own time and own way. It will, you know. And heart patients (victims?) are prone to depression - your doctor knows this or should. You are overwhelmed and when that happens, you feel there isn't anything you can do to help yourself and most of us don't know how to help except that we will give you encouragement when we can. Helping words mean a lot.

If you could get away for a day, maybe a Saturday or Sunday trip to the mall or to church or to visit someone, find something to chuckle about, anything to distract you for a few hours to let your emotions rest a bit. That's so hard to do when you feel so physically ill, as well, as all of us know. Then go back to the situations after a little bit of a respite. Just a little something to think about.

My ex (psychiatrist) always said one cannot be angry and depressed at the same time; I guess because both are such strong emotions and tend to take over us. So maybe go kick the care tires in earnest - anything you can find.

I have just been through one of the worst times of my life and distraction by others has helped a great deal in helping me to deal with things. And I also knew they loved me and that helps, too. Keep your support group close, and that includes us.

And vent when you want to - that's what we are all here for. SUPPORT and empathy.

 

[Harrybaby666]

Hi Erica

Hi Erica

I know just how your feeling...I have been going through this for quite some time, and you know, I finally came to realize that I had to make a choice, either continuing to kill myself physically by working 2 jobs just to keep a roof over my head, or I had to realize that I was getting sicker and sicker by the minute and that I had to go out on disability to keep from ending up in the grave at a very early age.. I am not saying that this decision would necessarily be the right one for you, but I thought it was worth mentioning so you might consider to help take the stress off of how your feeling right now. I know it's not alot of money to live on, and that it is a pain in the neck with the paperwork, but you have to remember that the income is there and it is very reliable. This is what has helped me get through this mess that I am in...I know your feeling overwhelmed and depressed, and I hope that you can find some means to help lift your spirits and have some sort of fun. Your In My Thoughts and Prayers...Harrybaby666

P.S. If anyone gives you any trouble, just give them one of these upside the head...LOL

 

[Mary]

Well, I've been awake since 2, but I didn't get on the computer like the rest of you.
Erica, I understand exactly how you feel, and I imagine most people on here do too.
If you can just put one foot in front of the other for awhile, you might look up in a few weeks, and discover things are better. Sometimes we just have to survive and not think (I think!)
My mother always said, "Things always look worse during the night." That seems to be very true, at least for me.
I hope today the sun is shining wherever you are, and you can take time to enjoy the little things that are going ok in your life.
Much love,
Mary

 

[PapaHappyStar]

Hi Erika,

I am not good at being emotionally accessible, even to myself at times, but I can add something from my experience that helps me begin to understand yours.

-- I think I was aware that something was going downhill physiologically and mentally before I knew of a heart condition. I think some of it may have nothing to do with the heart but much of it probably directly or indirectly did. The mental clues:

-- Couldnt concentrate for as long as I was used to being able to.
-- Felt tired ( mentally ), started to fall asleep in meetings and talks ( especially when the mathematics started, something I was good at ) even if I had a good nights rest.

-- The physiological clues were the usual ones that I didnt pay attention to: Shortnes of breath, limited exercise capacity, visual migraines, fatigue.

Since I didnt know what was going on with me I felt very depressed, and tasks I set myself would seem overwhelmingly difficult even though when I finally got around to getting them done -- turned out to be relatively simple, I didnt have any energy to carry out long term plans and I experienced a loss of confidence.

In my opinion the heart condition ( probably not severe enough during this time to cause effects due to circulation ) probably stressed the body by overworking the heart, I dont know what chemical effects this has -- possibly some kind of endocrine effect.

I think it is extremely likely that loss of heart condition causes systemic physiological and mental stress, probably more when you are younger, need more energy and have a higer metabolic rate ( and are more emotionally sensitive -- this probably has a sound physiological neural basis )

The question is even if one understands this at some level what can one do about it?

I guess understanding is a big part of dealing with it, getting help, not giving up about getting treatment, treating yourself like the singularly important individual you are...

Regards,
Burair

 

[Eloise]

I know this is going to be next to impossible to believe yet...God doesn't give you anymore than you can handle...however...had someone said that to me in the last 12 months,even once,I would've decked them.It's only been recently that I have found some meaning to all my trials and realized how much inner strength I do have.I also believe this forum has and will have,a terrific influence in my life. There are times I get so depressed/anxious that I can't see straight.I then find something to do that I have control over,I'll do laundry,go on a walk and it eased my stress.I also go to humorous websites,it helps.So does venting.And the wonderfull people here really do know how you feel.You are not alone,ever.

 

[Marguerite53]

oh, I'm sorry you feel so bad

oh, I'm sorry you feel so bad

Erica,

You are just reeling. I'm sorry to hear of your despair and so many of us know where you are. Maybe different particulars, but we all have our stories.

I honestly think it is the season!! I've been so fine, waiting around here, but lately, I'm just falling to pieces. And my life, otherwise, is perfect.

Life is about learning. Life is about watching out for signals. Sometimes these signals end up hitting you over the head like a baseball bat. Perhaps you are being steered to a more reflective place, rather than the industrious place you've been busting your a** in. Can you use this down time as a departure point? Can you step back and reconsider your future plans and dreams? It's very tough to do. You are in a very difficult situation. I urge you to look hard for the silver lining.....I mean, what else can you do? If you don't give yourself some emotional relief, it will take your body down. Burair makes some very interesting observations. Everything is so tied together with our minds and bodies.

Get all your medical questions answered. Ask them here if you can't get to a preferred doctor right away, you'll not get professional answers, but you will get some experineced opinions. Get those meanies out of your system. Nagging questions and fears are not friends to keep around.

Keep posting. We are all here for you.

I hope I haven't come across sounding too preachy. I don't mean to be. I just know that I forget that life isn't all just about doing stuff. It will constantly grab you and pace you and make you think, make you feel, and so often in places that you had no idea could or should exist!

Hang in there. Cry all you want. But go out and find some joy and some laughter too.

Warm wishes,
Marguerite

 

[Karlynn]

Sometimes it's a good thing to throw a really big pitty party. Invite all your VR friends and whine away. Grab a box of Kleenex and cry a river. It can be very cathartic. Part of being strong is knowing when it's in your best interest to be weak. Trying to "buck up" all the time can be highly stressful, and stress is a huge factor in how our whole body and mind feel, with the heart seemingly absorbing most of the stress.

When the sense of depression goes on for more than a week or two, then it's a good thing to consult your dr. on getting something to get you over the hump. Depression is the unwanted visitor for many heart patients. The Mind/Body Connection is not a mythical, abstract idea. It's hard-wired into us and not something that is "just in our heads" (to quote my worst doctor.)

Trust your instincts.

 

[bvdr]

Hi Erica,

Everyone has offered such good advice I won't add to that but I do want to mention that an aortic valve that is already compromised by being mildly/moderately stenotic and is also regurgitating has a net effect of functioning at perhaps a moderate/severe or worse. I went through some of the same things with my mitral valve. Both the regurgitation and stenosis were considered moderate but the combination really caused me to be symptomatic enough that surgery was recommended and I am feeling much better than I did before the surgery. I hope you start feeling better both physically and emotionally very soon. I too will keep you in my prayers.

 

[PapaHappyStar]

you have probably read the guidelines for mixed disease:

http://www.acc.org/clinical/guidelines/valvular/jac5929fla16.htm#F

what bvdr is saying is borne out by their recommendations, the indication is surgery if you are experiencing symptoms. you should describe what you are feeling to multiple cardiologists ( and maybe some surgeons, I talked to Paul Stelzer yesterday on the phone and he mentioned that some cardiologists may be reluctant to recommend surgery because they overestimate the risk to reward ratio of valve surgery, his opinion -- indicate surgery for more patients -- not surprising given he's a surgeon, to quote a cardiologist "if you are holding a hammer -- everything looks like a nail" -- but I am sure he is aware of his own bias and is as careful as he knows to be -- should mention that I thought he was an extremely bright guy ).

 

[Marguerite53]

Thank you Burair

Thank you Burair

Burair, that was a very interesting and informative link!!

My cardiologist was not ready to refer me to the surgeon "just yet" because, well, you know surgeons, they meet you and then they're ready to cut!

It seems to be a dance without a name that we are asked to do. Eventually, it should all turn out fine.

Also, Betty might be onto something with the collective stress of your condition. Definitlely worth mentioning to the doctor.

Please take Al's advice and prepare a typed list of your symptoms, questions, concerns to take with you when you go to the doctor. Hand them the list! I'm going to try that next time. It has been pretty frustrating for me so far.

Keep posting and let us know that you've lifted yourself up. Keep at it!!!

Marguerite

 

[geebee]

One step at a time

One step at a time

Dear Erica,

I walked 6 miles the other day. The reason was to get to a politcal rally that I really wanted to attend and the parking was that far away because of security. The reason I bring this up is I would never have thought I could walk 6 miles. While I was walking, I would occasionally look off in the distance where I was going and it seemed so far away, I would almost give up. I finally realized that, if I concentrated on my feet and putting one foot in front of the other, I could keep going. Before I noticed, I was at my destination. I felt wonderful.

Try to focus on the little successes - waking up each day, seeing the sunshine, hearing the voice of a loved one. All those things will help you along to cope with the sometimes overwhelming issues you are facing. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Everyone of us on this website has gone (or is going) through depression. Ultimately you may have to switch jobs or careers and you may face even greater challenges. Just try to keep in mind that, as long as you are alive, you are ahead of the game.

Please try to keep us posted and remember there are many people on line at all hours of the day to help you through.

God bless,
Gina

 

[ericaj]

coulda screamed

coulda screamed

Hi everyone-- Oh my gosh thank you all so much for writing although I am still down and going between depressed and frustratred your posts all mean so much!! -- I am going to print out the whole post and everyones responses
and keep them by my bed to read a couple times a day when I am down. --

I talked to my new cardiologists nurse today which didnt really make me feel any better.. and in fact kinda slipped up my slow ascent back up to feeling emotionally less depressed and frustrated but anyways pretty much she kept questioning me and questionin me about why I was off of work, why I didnt get clearance from my family dr. to go back to work, why i thought my cold symptoms where heart related, what i wanted her to do exactly, did i think i needed to see teh cadio sooner. Just everything and anything and it all really didnt help my psyche any. She even said to me .. Well cardio doesnt want to be giving you an excuse to miss work.. hello lady have you not just listened to me... I am tryin to get release to go back to work.. not to miss work!!! I can't afford to miss work and I have triedd my other docs but my primary phys. is off until nov and really the only one in that practice who knows whats all been going on, my EP cardio is out until mon. and that leaves you.. all i needed was to talk to her see what they thought and really just wanted to be able to go back to work.. It may not be a choice job for me all the lifting and moving residents but atleast then I feel like I am doing something. She kept saying to well your work doesnt have any effect on your symptoms .. you shouldnt worry about that..


She acted like she didnt believe me that I have been sick again and like she thought i was just trying to get a free ride out of work.. she wanted me too call my work and find out exactly what they wanted me to have to come back to work and then she asked if she could call and talk to our head nurse about exactly what they wanted and to verify what I was saying... Does the fact that I am 21 make me unbelievable and a criminal liar???

I really liked my new cardio the first time I seen him a couple weeks back and i really thought he was willing to try adn help me figure out what was going on.. thank goodness i didnt meet this nurse that i talked to on teh phone today that first appt.

I guess i will keep posting as things go on and hopefully improve... as a side note I was taking paxil just as a sort of side kick to meds but had stopped it a couple weeks back so am going to go back on that.. atleast i feel happier then, not better, but a little less down.

I have to run for now but should be back later on.. take care and thanks everyone!!!!


Erica

 

[Kyla]

call a different nurse

call a different nurse

Hi, Just a side note about Paxil...tried it didnt like it. I had a very bad reaction to it. So bad that I felt like I couldnt urinate or drive..not at the same time mind you. I would ask to speak to a different nurse next time you call your cardio, this one is not listening to you. Doesnt it just stink when you have to say the same thing five or six times because some people have their ears covered with their butt cheeks My daughter says I cant say that cause people will think its her talking. Just so you know...she doesnt have a trash mouth like me. We do both agree on one thing. We hope next week is better for you and that you find a pile of leaves to kick around for a while this weekend. Take care.

 

[Guest]

I don't know if this is just the week to feel defeated, distressed and emotionally rocky.. but I am definetly feeling all of these and just very depressed all day today with my job situation and unclear cardiac picture.
I just want to be some one else for awhile. Not me.

*nods*

I'll join ya in this one.

But, unfortunately, for very different circumstances, although with the players of my job and a few other things going on.

But, I know I don't have control over most of what is happening. So, I try to keep upbeat and happy...how ever hard that might be.

*shrugs*

No worries about venting....we all need to at times. It's good to get that out .

I hope your situation improves.

Cort, "Mr MC" / "Mr Road Trip", 31swm/pig valve/pacemaker
'72/'6/'9/'81/'7, train/models = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort/
MC Guide = http://www.chevyasylum.com/mcspotter/main.html

 

[Bryan B]

Erica,

I went through the same thing with work last year. They never came out and said it (and I had a note from my doctor every time I was sick), but their attitude towards me said plenty. Unfortuantely I proved them wrong when I called them from my doctor's office to let them know I was being admitted for endocarditis. Then a couple of months later I was still feeling bad and we went though the same thing again. Once again I unfortunately proved them wrong when my cardiologist informed me that I needed heart surgery. By then the damage had been done, and when I had complications after surgery that kept me out of work past my FMLA protection they filled my position and laid me off. It's hard when you know something is wrong and you can't get anyone to believe you, but I'm trying to look at it as God's way of leading me in a different (and hopefully better) direction. But I have plenty of days recently where everything I'm going through just seems too overwhelming to deal with...and on those days I usually end up not dealing with them and just do what makes me happy...even if that means playing on the computer all day and eating a bowl or two of Breyer's Vanilla ice cream.

Hang in there...this too shall pass.

 

[ericaj]

thoughts

thoughts

Hi everyone --

Thank you SOO much for all of your kinda words, they mean a million things to me and have helped me too. Although I am still feeling pretty down atleast
I have you all to talk to and am trying ot see the light at teh end of this very narrow long path.. as I told Dave earlier I could really use a flashlight to get there faster.

I have decided I will take this weekend to go out and look for jobs closer ot my parents.. something like waitressing where I don't do the heavy lifting and long hours but where I still can make atleast decent money and not work such stressful condition. I'll miss my current job but screw this not ever being able to work and just getting sick over and over again.

I am trying to be happy and to think only happy thoughts.. but damn (pardon my language) it is HARD!!

Will post again tomorrow to say how I woke up feeling and all.. thanks so much my vr family!!!

Erica

 

[Eloise]

Erica,
I can relate to your frustrations and drepression.There are and have been,plenty of days where I tell myself "everything happens for a reason" this of course,takes A LOT of Faith and that's something that is hard to hang onto when you are depressed.Then I tell myself things could be worse,that's where my imagination goes on a joy ride...i.e....at least I'm not in jail,don't have AIDS/HIV,not going to be featured on "America's Most Wanted",have no new illnesses to deal with this week,the FBI has no interest in me and if anything...my cable IS working!

 

[ericaj]

not really much new

not really much new

Just a quick update..

The weekend has helped some in straightening out my "mood" not to say that
I feel alot better.. but am trying to stay chipper and above water..

Still battling the last remnants of this cold.. stuffy nose has cleared up for the most part just the fever and cough/chest congestion are hanging on.
And some chest pain which may or may not be related to this cough. The actual incision of where I have the implantable loop recorder is healing up once again and just today noticing some pain around the site.. which hopefully will get better.

Find out about work situation tomorrow and then also tuesday see teh electrophysiologist and am going to ask about if maybe the steroid I take Florinef might be a cause for the two bad colds in less than 2 weeks of each other.

I was hoping to make chat today but ended up being on the road and then was by my older brothers for the afternoon/evening. One of these weeks!!

Hoping to feel even better soon.
take care,

Erica