Fear of depression, mood swings post op...

[offwego]

Hi again

I guess I am preparing myself for the recovery and projecting a bit from the experience of my first Mitral Valve repair...I've posted a bit a few years ago about it but in short I had a psychotic reaction to the morphine..had delusions that i was going to be killed and as a result, knocked out a nurse...and ran down 14 floors with a full size fire extinguisher...shot a security guard in the face and eventually threw the extinguisher throw a window...Yes this is all true and the short story...This was within 24 hours of OHS.

I checked my self out of the hospital two days later and they were probably glad to see me go...WHen I got home I was hallucinating from the morphine and it took a long time to get it out of my system.

Once i settled in at home I guess I did ok...I was alone a lot of the time and my kids visited but still I was often alone..

About 6 weeks into recovery i was hit with overwhelming sadness and depression. No one mentione this might happen..It was brutal...I started some SSRI and eventually I did ok..

The reason I am posting is that I guess this part of the recovery..the emotional part is the scariest to me...I tend to like to retreat into my own world when I am sick and don't like much help or people around and yet at the same time that probably doesn't help.

I'm hoping the second time around is easier..I just started an SSRI in advance to hopefully reduce depression that might start...I am trying to set up friends and family to visit me in my apartment but I hate having to be seen when I am weak...I don't want my kids to visit when I am in ICU..and maybe not even in the hospital...

I'm organizing my apartment,,,setting up a new TV so I can watch in bed...I have a great location in NYC..lots of good walks I can do, even to NYU after a couple of weeks.

ANyone have gone through any of this stuff...any advice appreciated...

I'm actually optimistic on the surgery and in denial about the pain and scars...

Get it over with!

God bless us all!

 

[darla33]

I would accept help from family and friends and have your family there even if u dont want it because pyschologically it gives us comfort without even realizing it. Ask fr help and more visits because im sure they will be glad to help and visit more. It was hard for me to ask but when i did i got good responses and alot more comfort. I will keep u in my prayers that all goes well.

 

[Jkm7]

Oh my goodness, what a severe reaction. Your concerns certainly need to be addressed in view of that history.
You definitely need to consult with your surgeon and your anesthesiologist.
I don't know the procedure in your hospital but everytime I've had surgery, I have had to sign a special anesthesia release. It might be a good idea for you to insist upon a consultation with the anesthesia department/pain control in advance of your surgery so they have a full picture of your concerns.

I'm speechless at you having the strength to do all that so soon after OHS. To lift a fire extinguisher, to run down all those stairs. That is jaw dropping/shocking.

It is all manageable but proper pre-planning would be to your benefit.
Are you using the same surgeon and hospital this time?

 

[carolinemc]

Just settle down a little, getting ahead of yourself. Who told you that you would get depressed? Just take the time to enjoy life while recovering from surgery, which is easier said than done. If there are people telling you of other peoples' experiences, that is what it is, theirs, not yours. You are a very strong willed person, to be proud of, keep it up. It will help you heal better and do not listen to people of how you should be feeling now. You know yourself and you are strong, not the least bit depressed. You will be fine soon, just give yourself enough time to heal, there are things that you can do to pass the time. Pick up a hobby, read a book, take a walk, etc. I have no job right now, that is depressing, but I won't let nothing do that to me. Just moved and unpacking is harder than packing. Trying to keep busy and do not let the demons get me is easy. You will be fine, let others help, but not to bring you down. Hang in there, healing is slow but is will end soon. Take care and hugs for today.

 

[Lynlw]

I agree with JK's suggestions, especially since you have a history of bad reactions and post op depression. I would think the more you can do before surgery to work out plans, have therapy the better.

Yes post op depression is relatively common after heart surgery, so being prepared or at least knowing that going into surgery can be a help, knowing that others have gone thru it and you dont feel as alone.
As for moving the TV to the bedroom. I could be wrong, , but having the TV in your bedroom if you normally dont need one, MIGHT not be the best Idea to help avoid depression. Justin has had alot of heart surgeries and one thing that has always been stressed, is try to get doing things back to "normal" as soon as possible can help. Doing things like getting dressed every morning..even If you have to force yourself and really just want to hang out in what you sleep in and ONLY spending time in Bed when you want to sleep. It might be more helpfull to get out of bed and sit on the couch ect to watch TV instead of spending that time in bed, which could make you feel more like a 'sick person" if that makes sense.

I agree with caroline that maybe looking for a new hobby you might like to learn could be a good idea. Justin's last few surgeries we've gone to the craft store and looked for new things we could learn do when he is recoviering, once it was macreme which is pretty cheap, and lots of good info on line and we usually set up a large jigsaw puzzle somewhere that we can work on time to time to give him something else to do

good luck..

 

[offwego]

I had the surgery at the same hospital (NYU in NYC) 8 years ago. The surgeon who performed the original surgery passed away a few years ago but his partner Dr. Galloway who is head of the department will be doing the surgery. Clearly I won't have morphine again and will meet with anesthesiologist to go over medications. I will also speak to psychologists at the hospital. My cardiologist said he sound a bit like PTSD and I agree. It was a horrible very long story what happened that early morning and it definitely made my recovery much harder.

I guess I am going to fast and anxious about being out of control. I've also had bronchitis for a solid month and just getting over it...That combined with my heart has knocked me out and I rarely go out...I've been inside 23 hours a day for a month...and that can't be good.

I just don't have energy and i don't feel strong enough to want to interact with people..

I do have many interests and hobbies..I was also taking Adderall for years for ADD and obviously cannot take it anymore...That doesn't make this any easier...ugh..

All good posts here...Thanks for reading.

 

[offwego]

I know what you mean about moving the tv into the bedroom...I never watch TV in bed and I doubt I will spend much time in bed just watching TV rather than getting up and going into the living room...but I guess it makes me feel like I am doing something...and that makes me feel a bit more in control..I have been alone too much the last couple of weeks by choice..like an animal licking his wounds. My daughter just called and cracked me up...She said, "Dad, exactly how long have you been feeling like you can't go out? Was it after the doctor told you that you needed heart surgery?".... I had to laugh as even if it's not exactly true....it's true enough!

Then I said, "Don't worry. I'll take a shower and be ready when you get here." She said, "Dream big".

The kid cracks me up...best medicine...and I need to snap out of this...there will be plenty of time to mope around after surgery..I am living in a hospital like setting by design...

 

[Jkm7]

LynW gave you good advice about getting up, showering and dressing every morning. Both my heart surgeries, from first day home, I forced myself to do that and I believe it helped my mood. It got me to feeling like I was a person working my way back to more activity rather than an invalid laying around being 'sick'. State of mind needs assistance..... If your daughter makes you laugh, cherish her and be in touch with her as much as possible.

Unless your doctors have given other instructions, a daily walk is hugely beneficial for both mood and physical wellness. Bronchitis probably should not be keeping you housebound/bedbound at this time of year. Get up, get dressed and get walking!!!! I don't know where you are on the east coast but we have had gorgeous weather this last week. I just got back from a 40 minute walk and I absolutely promise you when I left my house, I was in a 'blue mood' and when I returned, I felt much better. I saw humans being busy. I saw pretty gardens, a neighbors house crawling with construction workers doing their huge remodel, the dogs down the street on their leashes and tails wagging....... Helped me forget the things that were weighing down my mood.

Try it.

 

[offwego]

Thanks for the motivational post. Very appreciated and I need it. I am overindulging...I know it.

Tomorrow is a big day..I'm going to walk to the hospital and do all the pre admissions testing and meetings..The Doctor had mercy on me and scheduled the angiogram for the same day I am admitted and surgery the next day. I have gotten into a rut that literally feels like I have ALREADY had surgery..i am treating myself like I am really sick...and as bad as I feel it's largely psychological...I have to snap out of this now as it's not a way to go in for surgery...

I will push myself to get out earlier..it's not easy..I'm clearly somewhat depressed due to self imposed isolation and sitting around all day...mostly alone by choice.

 

[Julian]

I had some psychological issue in the hospital. I didn't tell anyone until I got home. They lingered for several weeks after surgery. I was getting what they call intrusive thoughts. When I was moved to the step down unit I had these thoughts that I was going to kick my pregnant nurse in the stomach. I hated that! Once I got home I was afraid I was going to get a pencil and stick it in my eye. I think this is my reaction to drugs mixed with trauma I start getting intrusive thoughts and it takes months to subside. I feel fine now and the thoughts don't really intrude but geez when I was in the middle of it, it felt like it was never going to go away. I also felt as if I lost my identity after surgery, now I feel fine 10 weeks post op. Just wanted to share this with you.

 

[offwego]

That's pretty wild and glad you are feeling better...Intrusive thoughts? My brains were scrambled I remember that much...I forgot fax numbers, safe combinations it was crazy... I figured some of this could be connected to being on pump...But cognitive function did come back fine eventually.

 

[piglet]

Try not to worry that your reaction last time will happen again, the fact that it's so much a worry to you now will likely stop you from repeating it. You know what to expect now. I had a heck of a time, mentally wrapping my brain around the whole thing, still do sometimes. Menopause, RA and OHS, all within a year was alot to deal with, but I'm getting there. You can come here anytime to vent, we all have really broad shoulders, lol.
I'll keep you in my thoughts, and everyone on the staff at the hospital, hahaha.

 

[Luana]

Depression is very common after heart surgery. I resumed seeing my therapist just before and for a while after.

With such a severe reaction that you had, you may want to consider listing morphine as a drug you're allergic to, and I would certainly mention that when you do your pre-op stuff at the hospital. I would think there are other ways to keep you out of pain post-op.

 

[Julian]

That's pretty wild and glad you are feeling better...Intrusive thoughts? My brains were scrambled I remember that much...I forgot fax numbers, safe combinations it was crazy... I figured some of this could be connected to being on pump...But cognitive function did come back fine eventually.

Intrusive thoughts are a pretty common symptom of OCD but can also be found in post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, depression and other mental disorders. Last time I had a bout with this was about 6 years ago when I had a bad experience with drugs and relationship issues. Took a year to start feeling normal. Then 10 weeks ago right after OHS the can of worms was opened again but this time it has subsided way faster. I owe it to prayer and Jesus. In the past when I first had those thoughts I thought I was losing my mind but later found that its pretty common but people don't talk about it because they are scared to.

 

[offwego]

I'll keep you in my thoughts, and everyone on the staff at the hospital, hahaha.

That made me laugh...thank you.

I've told the doctors I am allergic to morphine and something tells me they are gonna remember me from 8 years ago. I went out twice today for long walks..I am really fine and can probably walk as long as I want if I just take breaks..

I got the results of the echo test and sent them to a friend who is a cardiologist to get his feedback...Overall things looked pretty good, other than the problems with the Mitral Valve...No other significant leaks and things could be a lot worse.

The side effects of morphine are common...it seems totally ordinary for people to have delusions and bad reactions...Knowing myself and how generally intense I can be (especially when the hospital is taken over by young Russian spies), it's not a complete surprise, I'd (over) react...

 

[Jkm7]

Good for you, offwego. You got up and went for your walks...... Well done.
It's all those little things added up that get us over the bumps.
I seriously doubt any truthful person will tell you they went through one or two or more OHS and did not have some 'mind games' they needed to sort out. It hits all of us differently and we all have to figure out our best coping skills. It's tough stuff no matter what anyone says. We're all strong people or we couldn't/wouldn't do it.

You're on the right track and will do fine!!!!!
(and we're to help in any way we are able at any time !!!!!!! )

 

[FixedAgain]

Just settle down a little, getting ahead of yourself. Who told you that you would get depressed? Just take the time to enjoy life while recovering from surgery, which is easier said than done. If there are people telling you of other peoples' experiences, that is what it is, theirs, not yours. You are a very strong willed person, to be proud of, keep it up. It will help you heal better and do not listen to people of how you should be feeling now. You know yourself and you are strong, not the least bit depressed. You will be fine soon, just give yourself enough time to heal, there are things that you can do to pass the time. Pick up a hobby, read a book, take a walk, etc. I have no job right now, that is depressing, but I won't let nothing do that to me. Just moved and unpacking is harder than packing. Trying to keep busy and do not let the demons get me is easy. You will be fine, let others help, but not to bring you down. Hang in there, healing is slow but is will end soon. Take care and hugs for today.

I am reading all my old threads...and this one is so sweet to be reading now...you were right..

The surgery went amazingly,,they were able to fix it..no depression a fast recovery and then...

well I screwed it up but didn't seem to do any permanent damage and after almost two years am starting to feel better than I have in a very long time..

I just wasn't paying attention and did some stupid things...(and my cardiologist dropped the ball too)

Anyway,,,thought I would tell you how I appreciated this post then and even more now!

 

[FixedAgain]

Good for you, offwego. You got up and went for your walks...... Well done.
It's all those little things added up that get us over the bumps.
I seriously doubt any truthful person will tell you they went through one or two or more OHS and did not have some 'mind games' they needed to sort out. It hits all of us differently and we all have to figure out our best coping skills. It's tough stuff no matter what anyone says. We're all strong people or we couldn't/wouldn't do it.

You're on the right track and will do fine!!!!!
(and we're to help in any way we are able at any time !!!!!!! )

also very much appreciated your posts back then..I remember them well..