Emotional Upheavals...

[PairoDocs]

I am feeling pretty low right now. Seems that my husband misinterprets everything I say. I can't do or say anything right. I realize that he has his issues after OHS...the depression, the insomnia, the introspection, the irritability...he has a hard time dealing with the kids...of course the house is still a disaster. Not much affection as he is wrapped up in his own problems and misinterprets requests for affection on my part. Yes, he is currently being treated for depression, sees a counselor, etc. He has difficulty in not experiencing a "near-death experience"; I don't mean he wasn't near death, but no lights or tours of Heaven from God, that sort of thing. It's hard, but I have to drag myself to work every day, despite short sleep since he refuses to get to bed before 1 AM (and that's early).

I can't help it, but I still wake up at least once at night to make sure that he's OK. He feels that this is ridiculous, but I did the same for sick kids and patients and old habits die hard.

I am praying that this too will pass....

Hazy Skies in Idaho,
-Laura

 

[geebee]

Laura,

Is your husband not back at work yet? I know going back to work helped me get off the roller coaster ride.

The tough part, speaking from the patient standpoint, is that I wanted people to pay attention enough to show they loved and cared for me but I also wanted them not to treat me like (in my interpretation) like an invalid. It was a very thin line to walk and I fell off often. One day, my dear SO was ignoring me and the next he was smothering me. Mind you, this was my viewpoint and probably had very little bearing on reality. Going through OHS is very surreal and it takes a lot of time to feel like you are back in the real world.

I do not know your particular situation and I am sure there are things that are different for you and your husband. However, I do know that patience is the key here as tough as it might seem. You might try simply asking your husband what he wants you to do or say. Even if he doesn't have an answer, it might make him think of how crazy he is making you.

 

[Dina]

I think Gina hit it-about the surreal feeling revolving the whole surgery and
it taking time to re-join the rest of humanity.
My husband has been very patient with me and when I read your post ,I
realized what I am putting him thru-the insomnia,not back to work yet, I havent even made a dinner for him in.......
Im sorry Im not too helpful, but know you are not alone-Dina

 

[Bridgette]

Hi Laura

I just replied to your husband's post in the other thread he started - I hope you don't think my words to him were too harsh - he is so lucky to have you and I want him to realise this fact.
Yeah, he had a tough time as the patient (we all did) but I often think it is even tougher on our partners and families - seeing us go through all the OHS stuff and feeling powerless to really help as such.

I wish you luck and hope you will be okay.

Bridgette

 

[hensylee]

I, too, have responded to your Chris' desperate post. He is hurting and so are all of you. I am so sorry. You are in a bad place, too. I pray that you will all find some peace with this at some point but in the meantime it will be just plain hard. Wishing a miracle for you all. Blessins.........

 

[WayneGM]

I replied to you husband's post, too. I think my response is relevant for you, too. I'm sorry you are all going through this. Best wishes and good luck.

 

[Nancy]

Laura-

I know this is a trite saying, but you really have to take care of yourself during this difficult period of time. You are in the unenviable position of bearing quite a burden right now. I have been there many, many times. It is not fun. I had to go through breast cancer surgery, chemo and radiation, all while taking care of Joe. It was the most difficult time, but I did get through it.

You have a demanding job, both physically and emotionally.

You won't be able to help anyone, if your health breaks down.

Insomnia and depression happen after OHS. That's just the way it is. But just because your husband cannot sleep doesn't mean that you shouldn't. And just because he isn't pleasant right now doesn't mean that you should buy into any of it. It is a product of his physical recovery and his emotional upheaval which is par for the course. It really has nothing to do with you, but your are the convenient target. Don't dwell on the unpleasantness, think of other things. You cannot have two thoughts in your head at the same time, so change the movie which is playing.

What I did so I could get normal sleep was to buy a baby monitor. When I went to bed, I put the monitor where Joe was, and the receiver next to the bed, and cranked the sound up full blast so if anything happened, I would be sure to wake up. That was the only way I was able to rest. I could even hear him breathing. I got a two-way monitor so he could call for me if he needed me. I bought him a huge brass bell, so if he couldn't holler, he could ring the bell.

BTW, we found that friends abandoned Joe when his health started to deteriorate. You wouldn't think this would happen, but many here can attest to that fact that is does. I cannot say why, but suspect that most of us are uncomfortable with illness and many don't understand the recovery process and open heart surgery and serious medical problems are way too scary. So you folks are not alone with the phenomena. My daughters and one neighbor (whose wife had a terrible disease) were about the only ones who helped or even called to inquire. Even other family members who could have been so helpful weren't.

Please urge your husband to get additional help with his depression. This is something he has to do for himself, and is probably at the root of most of the problems.

I wish you all the best and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Mary]

Laura,
I can't add to the advice that's been given, but I'm keeping both you, Chris, and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[marie]

I too replied to your husband's post. Know that none of this is your fault nor his it just is. You and your family are in my thoughts and in my prayers
Earline

 

[SHEEPDOG]

You Are A Team!

You Are A Team!

I didn't read your husbands post yet and I don't know the whole situation but I bet you two have gone through aome tough times if you have been married for ANY length of time.THIS TOO SHALL PASS! I am gonna be on the patient side in a week. I dont know how I will react but im sure I will have my moments. I need to apologize to my wife NOW.
Just remember, this is a product of the OHS and not about you. Also remember your health must be in check to do anyone else any good.
Ill be praying for you.
SHEEPDOG

 

[Wise]

Chris and Laura,

We're praying for you. Dark times overshadow anything positive, so be aware that depression paints a ominous picture of the present and future than it is in reality. Please please contact your doctor.

Wise

 

[Dina]

Chris and Laura,

We're praying for you. Dark times overshadow anything positive, so be aware that depression paints a ominous picture of the present and future than it is in reality. Please please contact your doctor.

Wise

I love what you said and believe it should be heeded;since it also seems
to be true It is almost like a test , and if you can make it thru the clouds.......then SUNSHINE

 

[Phyllis]

Laura,
We have all read your husband's post and are keeping you both in our prayers and thoughts. I pray that he gets the extra help he needs right now and I pray for you to have the strength to get through this difficult time.

 

[pamela]

Something about what you said about Chris not having a near death experience brings this to mind...

On Waking Up Before Dawn

I wish that I will never return
to that place where night wraps tight
her sheets and tucks me in beneath
a star bright canopy nor watch the milky way
spill across the sky then disappear
when I close my eyes.

What's there beneath the horizon
and beyond? My Love, whisper now
and promise me there is more,
more than darkness over the edge,
more than the centre of the night,
more than cold, dark sleep.

I fear the loneliness that lies close
on the other side. I have been and back
and knew only dreamless rest;
there is no comfort in this. Wake me
into your morning, so that I may see
the day and know the warmth of you.

 

[kfay]

Laura, I'm so truly sorry you and your family are going through this rough spot. I don't have any words of wisdom to add to what has already been said, but please know you have a whole community of people here to reach out to who care. Take care of yourself and your children and try and get Chris more help.

Kim

 

[CThrock]

Laura,
You and your family are in my prayers. I pray that this depression will be lifted up and you can start recovering physical and emotionally. I agree with the others that you should probally let the dr know what's going on. Keep us posted we are here for you.

 

[ruth]

Laura,

Hang in there! You're carrying a heavy load right now. I replied to Chris' post, I hope he gets the help he needs and you both can move past this rough patch.

Best wishes,
Ruth

 

[catwoman]

Laura:
Sorry that your whole family is hurting right now.

An uncle went through this when he lost most of a foot to a DVT, and he was a commercial truck driver. It was quite difficult for the extended family, not just his immediate family. Not only did he have to change his career -- the only one he ever had-- but he also had to contend with "phantom pain."

Perhaps Chris is needing a change in meds, therapist, and maybe more intensive treatment than what he's getting. That's what it took for my uncle.