Domestic violence...

[Guest]

I'm "angered/frustrated/saddened by domestic violence" is what I posted as a status on Facebook a day or so after I was told by a good friend of mine that another friend had been killed by her husband. I've known Amy for ~12 years. She had a heart of gold, and the world has lost a wonderful person.

This is yet another "senseless act" ... and, to me, another reminder of how fragile life is, how much we need to "stick together", and how much violence doesn't particularly solve anything, but just adds more pain to the situation....

http://www.indystar.com/article/20100325/NEWS02/3250494/Two-die-after-Grant-Co.-standoff

Two die after Grant Co. standoff
By Nick Wernerand Douglas Walker / Muncie Star Press
Posted: March 25, 2010

UPLAND, Ind. -- Police say an Upland man fatally shot his wife in her mother's home Thursday morning, then held police at bay for hours before shooting himself.
When members of an Indiana State Police SWAT team stormed the house about 5:30 p.m., they found Paul Bryon Nose II, 42, suffering from a self-inflicted gunshot wound in the head.

He died as preparations were being made to fly him by medical helicopter to a Fort Wayne hospital.
Authorities also found the body of Nose's 39-year-old wife, Amy. Police believe she was killed by her husband shortly after 7 a.m., when callers to 911 reported hearing shots coming from the house.
Police were uncertain when Paul Nose shot himself, although his communication with authorities and text messages with family members ended about 1:30 p.m. He was found in a hallway, while his wife's body was found in a bathroom.
Upland police arrived at the house soon after receiving the reports of shots fired, but were "unsuccessful" in establishing "personal contact" with any occupants, according to an Indiana State Police press release.
Grant County sheriff's deputies and state police also came to the scene. Eventually officers "made verbal communication" with Paul Nose, the release said, but they were unable to persuade him to surrender.
State police are leading the investigation of the shootings. No shots were fired by officers as they entered the home, ISP Sgt. Rod Russell said.
Authorities said the domestic problems between the couple had been ongoing for several weeks, with Amy Nose spending some time in a women's shelter. She filed for divorce on Feb. 11; that case was still pending in Grant Superior Court at the time of her death.
On Wednesday night, Amy Nose filed a police report that alleged some act of intimidation by her husband.
Amy Nove had been granted a protective order when she filed the divorce suit last month, but the pair had mutual contact recently and might have been trying to reconcile their differences, authorities said.
Married for 20 years, they were the parents of two daughters.

Cort | 36swm.IL | "Mr Monte Carlo"."Mr Road Trip" | pig valve.pacemaker * NoreastrTrek.Aug2010 *
MCs.Caprice|models.HO.legos.CHD.RadioShows|RTs.us66 = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort
"I don't want to take this life for granted" ... Keith Urban ... 'Somebody Like You'

 

[Maryka]

Looking back over my young adulthood, I cringe thinking about the violence in my first, "shotgun" type, marriage at 21. My also-21-year-old husband slugged me in the chest, causing terrible bruising and pain. This happened while I was first breastfeeding our newborn. It resulted in scar tissue that still shows up on mammograms, confusing the radiologists. I think of those days now because I think of how a blow that hard to my sternum now might result, not in bruising, but in fatal damage. (My first husband is still on the scene for our son, by the way, and, like me, has mellowed greatly over the years. He's been a great grandfather! Also, no guns in our lives,)

I am saddened about the story you shared with us. I am sorry for your loss.

 

[Ross]

A very dear friend of mine was also killed by her husband after years of being in an abusive relationship. Everyone tried to get her to leave the guy before he killed her. I saw her obit in the paper.

 

[AgilityDog]

As a probate paralegal, I have probated a half dozen domestic violence related deaths in 30 years.
Divorce triggered almost all of them. That behavior is so sick.

I am sorry for the loss of your friend, and for her daughters' loss.

 

[njean]

So sorry to read about your friend Amy's senseless death Cort! There is so much violence in this world......mind boggling! So sad!

 

[Wise]

Cort, I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your friend in such a cruel and senseless way.

 

[MarkU]

Sorry for the loss of your friend. The taking of an innocent life is always tragic. Prayers for the family.
Mark

 

[EireCara]

I am sorry for your loss Cort. I worked in a refuge for women and children, up until 3 years ago when I had to leave due to bad health. There were some unbelievably sad events.

 

[Dennis S]

During the years I was city attorney, I prosecuted many domestic abuse cases (perhaps close to 1,000). We tried everything we could think of to break the cycle of abuse. Even when the police successfully intervened, we found fewer than three in a hundred victims would participate in prosecuting their abuser. We established a program of female victim advocates-we even got funding and had a safe-house for victims and their kids for no charge. We never found a way to get cooperation in prosecutions.

I have ultimately come to the conclusion that victims wanted the abuser changed, but not punished. And the system had no real way to change abusers except through threats of punishment. Once the abuser learned there would be no cooperation from the victim, and therefor no punishment, they would sit back, watch us spin our wheels, and eventually walk out with the case dismissed for lack of evidence. Sometimes we could find some kind of additional evidence, but most cases were dismissed. Every-time I would read a newspaper account of some tragedy like this I would be holding my breath waiting to read whether the perpetrator had passed through our system. Thankfully it never happened while I held the office. These cases are considered the most dangerous work that most police officers are dispatched to cover. This is such a perversion of the intended relationship between men and women-the very man who should be the source of her most immediate and reliable protection becomes her greatest threat. It is a great, great tragedy, and I am very sorry for your loss.

 

[hensylee]

I pulled my car into the gas station one early morning and there were two girls standing there talking, one of them with black eyes and bruises. I know she had been beaten by a man from what she was saying as she stood by my car window. She was so young to have been victimized by someone she could not protect herself against. I felt so sorry for her.

what a horrible thing for your dear friend to have had to suffer. She was so senselessly murdered by someone who was supposed to love and protect. But sadly, he won't have to face the courtroom, just God.

 

[Nancy]

In my younger days, for many years, I was a volunteer in the field of child abuse and neglect, working hand in hand with the Social Services Dept. as what was known as a lay therapist, working one on one with abusive families. Often the abuser started on the wife or girlfriend and then the children and sometimes even pets. Some of the stories I heard were horrific. And they were not all from the lower economic scale. There were doctors who did this, ministers, etc.

The dynamics always included loss of self worth of the abused person, so much so, that they actually believe they deserve it. And they are terribly fearful of their abuser. This comes from years and years of emotional abuse and denigration. This also included loss of self worth of the children, and many times they grow up with all kinds of emotional problems. It is a well-known fact that most of the criminals behind bars have been abused as children.

Drugs and alcohol play a part, but there is a predisposition to this kind of violence with the abuser, either they have been victims of abuse at one time, or grew up in a violent family where the means of control was abuse. Some of these abusers also have impulse control issues and deeper mental problems.

It is very sad, and it continues to cycle itself through generations.

And don't think for a minute that neglect of spouse or children is any better. Emotional neglect and outright neglect leave very deep scars that never heal.

 

[nngbwh]

Sorry to hear about the sad news.

 

[Kathy McCain]

Cort,

I am truly sorry for the loss of your friend. I myself know what it feels like to live with an abusive spouse. My husband and I will be celebrating our 25th anniversary in Aug, but my first husband many, many years ago was mentally and physically abusive. I thank God everyday I left him, and started a new life!

My thoughts and prayers are with you, and all whose lives have been changed forever from this tragedy.

 

[Jeanie]

I am also very saddened by this. I am really hard-nosed on the treatment of such abusers; I think they all should be executed immediately upon conviction, and no taxpayer money wasted on their upkeep, as I believe such abusers are the scum of the earth and beyond redemption. Perhaps if that were done, and these sleazebags were exterminated, the cycle of violence truly would end.

 

[Guest]

*nods*

Thank you, everyone. I sure appreciate you sharing your thoughts and experiences.


Some things in life just do not make sense.....



Cort | 36.m.IL | "Mr Monte Carlo"."Mr Road Trip" | pig valve.pacemaker * 07/24/2010=ChitownMeet #3 *
MCs.Caprice | models.HO.legos.CHD.RadioShows | RTs.us66 = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort
"Your chance has come and gone" ... JoJo ... 'Too Little Too Late'

 

[drivetopless]

So sorry about Amy. It's just senseless.
I'm reading this book right now on the subject: "The Gift Of Fear" by Gavin de Becker.
I think it shoudl be required reading for all women and men, especially women.
It reads like a novel, but is full of some eye opening statistics, especially about our criminal justice system here in the USA.
The guts of the book is about how NOT to suppress our intuition and how to read the pre-signals to violence so we can avoid the situation in the first place.
The most eye-opening point so far . . . We are responsible for our own safety. You cannot assume because you live where there are police that you will be saved. If you are in a violent situation and you live, it will usually be because of your own doing rather than law enforcement protecting or saving you. So many victims walk around in a daze, totally unaware or choosing to ignore the signals of danger.
All my friends are getting a copy of this book from me.

 

[BDMc]

Dear Cort, I too am sorry for your loss. To Dennis and Nancy, I found your stories very interesting. It is always nice to learn more about those we care about. I am not surprised that you two have spent so much time in service to others. Thank you.

 

[Harrybaby666]

OMG Cort....I am sooooooo very sorry to have read this.......God will take care of him when he gets there......My prayers to heal the families involved and my prayers to you that you heal from this.....I have to admit, I am angry just reading this, as it has been happening in my state too many times lately as well...the only difference was these victims were babies......How horrible.....

 

[Guest]

*nods*

Thanks again, guys.


And, drivetopless ... sounds like a good book.



Cort | 36.m.IL | "Mr Monte Carlo"."Mr Road Trip" | pig valve.pacemaker * NoreastrTrekRT=Aug2010 *
MCs.Caprice | models.HO.legos.CHD.RadioShows | RTs.us66 = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort
"When you reach the bottom, it's now or never" ... O-Town ... 'All Or Nothing'