CAUTION...whining...

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PJmomrunner

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 10, 2005
Messages
1,726
Location
SW Michigan
Hi folks! I'm not sure where to post this, or why it took me so long, but I find it difficult to say this stuff out loud, or put it in print, I guess. I mentioned in a previous post that I was going to see a neurosurgeon about an incidental finding of a paraspinal "neurogenic tumor." My appointment was a week and a half ago.

The neurosurgeon says the tumor is a Schwannoma, which is a type of neurogenic (originating on a nerve) tumor. Mine is located on a sympathetic nerve at T4 on my spine and will either be removed when my aneurysm and valve are addressed (which is scheduled for who-knows-when), or after, or possibly not at all. It did grow between January and November, so I'm guessing removal is likely because it is generally best to remove them before they are big enough to cause problems (like invading the spinal column...), however I guess June 7 will show if it continues to grow (???). It is very likely non-cancerous because most Schwannomas are, although it is possible it is cancerous as Schwannomas can convert from benign to cancerous with radiation exposure (hmm...maybe my annual CT's of my aneurysm should be MRI's in the future???). The nerve the tumor is on controls the speeding up of the heart. I do not know what the implications of that are, if any, as I discovered this info on my own after my appointment. The neurosurgeon said he would not remove it before I have my OHS because in order to fully visualize the tumor he would have to manipulate my aneurysmal aortic arch (move it aside) which is of course not advisable. He is consulting with the CT surgeon. I do wonder how much time such a procedure would add to my OHS and whether adding any is advisable. I suppose that's at least part of what he'll talk to the CT surgeon about.

I am scheduled for cervical and thoracic spine MRI's (the former without contrast the latter with) in the beginning of June and will have a followup visit with the neurosurgeon at that time. I guess he wanted a six month interval between imaging studies. My PCP thought he'd want to do an MRI before seeing me because an MRI will show more about the nature of the tumor, but he didn't, so I guess he's pretty confident it's not an immediate problem. (i.e. cancer or the source of my back pain) He assures me it is not what's causing my back pain because it's on a sympathetic nerve and he suspects I may have degenerative disc disease in my cervical spine that's causing referred pain to the thoracic area. Swell.

Ahh...life in limbo.... I am not sure how to take this info. I am finding it difficult to be around people--I don't work outside the home and barely manage to get through my work inside the home--largely because my thoughts are so consumed by "my circumstance" that I find it hard to keep my thoughts on anything long enough to converse intelligently. I've cut way back on my volunteer work because I need to concentrate on my family--partially a "nesting" sort of thing (I only want to be with them) and partially a real need to concentrate to remember anything--I can't have my husband and kids slipping between the cracks! I kind of wanted to post on the "anger and sadness" thread, but except for some definite stamina issues--part lack of conditioning, I guess, and part back pain--and general depression, my problems are really sort of theoretical and so minor compared with many of you.
 
Geesh, P.J., hardly know what to say. I'm so sorry you have to deal with two icky things at once! I can certainly understand the depression and withdrawal - you probably are a bit obsessed with it all, yet don't want to discuss it endlessly.

I do hope all goes well, and that you find some relief from your back pain. Frankly, I had a herniated disc a couple of years ago and it caused much more distress that any pain I had from the ohs. Constant pain like that is debilitating, depressing, and could certainly drive you crazy. It also makes you really cranky and unable to concentrate.

Best of luck to you. You have my greatest sympathy and admiration for just making it through the day.
 
PJ,

It sounds like you've been hit by a hammer,(!) and you're wondering why you're having trouble coping!
It sounds like a normal response to me!

I think pre-surgery, your life feels as if it's in limbo. You're afraid to make plans, because you know within a short time frame, circumstances may change. You have discovered that you are facing another big health issue, and its resolution must wait until after you undergo OHS. You are faced with life events that you have little control over. I think that pulling back from those outside your immediate family circle is your acknowledgement that you need to rely on your primary support system--your family.
It is instinctive. When we're fearful, we retreat to a safe haven.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I hope that after you have the tests in June, you will have a better idea of what lies ahead. Once you have more information, I believe you will feel more secure.

Anyway, until that time, we're here!
We're not immediate family, but we're pretty darn close.:)
Mary
 
Whine away, PJ. You have every right and it may be easier to unload here than even on the family. I hope that you can put this aside until you have some definite answers in June - hard I know!:( , but in the meantime we are all here whenever you need to vent. Wishing you the best of outcomes,
Phyllis
 
Sorry to hear, PJ.

I kind of feel like I'm hoping for you to get to a surgery indication soon...because it seems you have to get there in order to get these issues behind you and get on with the quality of life you deserve and desire. I remember how I couldn't wait to get past all of it so I could start improving instead of deteriorating. Hang in, I hope you get this all over with sometime soon AND have an excellent result and recovery.
 
PJ.

I can't put it any better than Mary. I just wonder what color the hammer was (silly attempt at humor to bring a smile). :)

Two flavors of cr** on your plate is tough (another silly attempt at humor - is it working?) :) :)

Seriously, I'm praying for you and your family. Hang in there. Look forward to seeing you back on the track.
 
Thanks guys for understanding and for letting me whine. I'm gonna run (oh, wait a minute...I mean, walk briskly) with the hammer analogy (BTW, Tommy mine's yellow--2% variety :) ) and offer that I've not yet actually been hit. So far I'm just steeling myself for the blow and wondering how much it's gonna hurt. :eek: And, as long as the hammer's out...Georgia, you hit the nail on the head with,
"you probably are a bit obsessed with it all, yet don't want to discuss it endlessly."
 
My gosh, PJ...........

My gosh, PJ...........

I think you are more than entitled to whine, scream, and pull a three day drunk :D , although your kids may be less accommodating than I am.....:D

Seriously, anything with the spine, much less the spine and heart combined, is scary in my book. You certainly have my prayers that this is benign and that you have peace of mind (as opposed to my piece of mind). Many hugs. Janet
 
((((((((HUGZ)))))))))

Mary said it well...good on you our xeno warrior princess!

I have some idea what its like to be struggling with spinal and cardiac stuff at the same time...

I have inherited a dodgy spine with arthritis with degenerative disc disease and more bad discs than good..

So although I dont have a Schwanoma I certainly understand the constant back-pain and muscle spasms that would probably come with it.

I also have become fairly "self-absorbed" for much the same reasons as you ... And basically dont like wasting time on people and stuff where I feel I am not appreciated or valued.

I have changed I am sure but I cant see it...hubby tells me I am not the same girl he married. But I am on a mission now to educate my family and also get myself healed as best I can...there are alot of things I dont have time for now.

Thanks for having a whinge PJ...it helps to know I am not the only one who feels so overwhelmed at this whole deal...thats when I reach for a valium and go do something totally unrelated .

waiting sure is the pits hey!
 
PJ,

So sorry to hear about "your circumstance". Please don't beat yourself up for whining. You're in pain and have a lot of "what if's" on your plate so you definitely have a right to be concerned and worried. I can empathize with you about being in limbo (I need to have follow-up MRI's for a lesion found on my liver and a pulmonary nodule) and it is not a fun place to be in. I hate the waiting and the uncertainty and trying to rein in my brain to stop the catastrophizing (not sure if that is a word or not:confused: ) is sometimes tough. Although I can't wave a magic wand for you and make it all better I did want to send you my best wishes as you try to deal with it all and let you know that you're not crazy for feeling like you do.

Take Care!
Sue
 
PJ. You are truly going through so much. It's a brain twister!! I don't know how you could get your arms around it all and still have mental energy to deal with the pain and the day to day.

I know exactly how you feel about the nesting thing. My husband took me away on this lovely "pre-surgery" vacation and all I could think about was wanting to be home. It's like wanting to hide-out. Not wanting to pretend that everything is going great when people say, HI! How are you? I mean, we LOOK fine!! Not wanting to put yourself all together for an outing when sitting and looking out the window and listening to birds chirp is totally the best thing you would choose to do!! Waiting sucks!!!! I honestly think that that is the biggest part of all this for most of us. If we only had uncertainty for a few days and then wham-- in they'd go, well, that would be that. But the ins and outs and possibilities and the ruminations over this and that. :eek: It is enough to bring down anyone.

But you know what? People matter. People help. I had one day when it was the people I had never seen before, who smiled and laughed and exchanged little conversations with me who actually snapped me out of a low mood.

So keep your head above water any way you can. Accept that you are in a limbo and you'll be there until you are not -- just plain and simple. Manufacture a lifestyle that will give you enough fresh air and spontaniety that you won't get all mouldy sitting at home. But enjoy home. It is safe there. It is peaceful. It is non-judgemental. It is my favorite place in the world and I am blessed to be able to say that!!

Step outside yourself and give yourself your own best advice! Only you know what to say, really. You're important. And, you're gonna make it. Be good to yourself. Try to make peace with the limbo.

Keep us in mind......we're always here for you!! :D

Marguerite
 
Wow...what an eye opener. I'm not nearly as eloquent in my writing as Marguerite so thankfully she summed it up nicely. People do matter, friends matter, shoulders to lean on and ears to vent to matter. All are here. Its is great to have the support of this community. All the runners here have a special place in my heart, no pun intended. When this is behind us we all need to get together for a good run. NO more walks!!!
My oldest son and I are martial artist (Taekwondo) I have reminded him and myself many times of the Tenet's of Taekwondo when discouraged. These are not only good guides to train by but also to live by. Perhaps they can provide a bit of motivation to you and others.

1. Courtesy
2. Integrity
3. Perseverance
4. Self Control
5. Indomitable Spirit

(Kicking something helps even more!!)

The ears and shoulders are here when you need us.

Philip
 
This thread really helped a lot. As reluctant as I was to post it, I'm glad I did. While it all looms I can't claim to have moved past it, but I've put it aside and today is a better day.

Philip, the tenets you list are indeed guides to live by. Like a lot of things one already knows, it's often helpful to be reminded of them and a succinct list works for me. I wrote them on my calendar. I believe someone is getting together a run for post-valvereplacement folks (in Vermont, I think) and I hope it's made an annual event that we walking waiters will one day participate in.

On Saturday night I purchased an arcade dart game at a charity fundraiser. I've got a new muscle burn in my right deltoid that I am so pleased with! It's not aerobic, but it's an added activity I can do for fun and I'll take it gladly.
 
PJ - I don't know how I missed this thread when you originally posted it. I can't add anything to what the others have said, other than to assure you that you are in my prayers.
 
Hi P.J.
Somehow I missed this one also, and you being one of my favorite posters. You'll be in my thoughts, I know it will all work out for the best for you.
 
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