advice for anxious mom

[Innercalm]

My son now has a date (April 19) cleveland clinic. He is very anxious and is
countering this by keeping over busy. He is also angry when he thinks mom and dad are making his decisions when we purchase the plane ticket and he feels we are too anxious for the surgery. He thinks he is maybe going to die and tells me that if he doesn't make it, I am going to regret my wanting to get it over with. He does know the surgery needs to be done but on the other hand he is very scared. Help! I am trying to keep myself centered for him but when he acts angry I feel like I want to bail out.(not that I would)
Any suggestions? innercalm:

 

[geebee]

I am sure your son's anger is just part of his way of dealing with his fear. It may not make it any easier for you to know this. I would simply respond each time that you love him and he will understand your actions eventually.

Other than that, just try to schedule family time and some fun projects that he might be interested in. This is definitely the time to pamper him.

 

[Guest]

Innercalm,

I don't see that you noted how old your son is ... not that that matters completely ... but, depending on his age, perhaps you could find ways to allow him to make more decisions.

From my own personal experience, a big part of it is feeling "out of control". I _hated_ feeling like I had no control over anything in my life ... and couldn't make any decisions because of needed surgery. At the times I was most angry, I was pissed because I couldn't do what I want, when I wanted to, and those times drilled it in deeper that I had no control over what was going to happen.

Now, for us "older adults", we know how fragile life is ... and how much we are so NOT in control. For youngsters (myself included "back then"), it's easy to feel invincible ... and should be able to control things and make decisions and do things when we want.

I can't speak for your son either, but my parents never seemed to realize I was not angry at them ... I was mad at the world. Unfortunately, they are the ones that took the brunt of the anger ... because they were there. That _could_ be the case in your situation, too ... I do not know.

Not sure if any of this helped ... or made you more anxious .



Cort, "Mr MC" / "Mr Road Trip", 32swm/pig valve/pacemaker
MC:family.IL.guide.future = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort/
chdQB = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort/quilt.html
"I'm just out to find the better part of me" ... 5 For Fighting ... 'Superman'

 

[gijanet]

I agree with Cort and Gina...........

I agree with Cort and Gina...........

At 35, your son is thinking he should be handling this himself. ON the other hand, he is scared to death (referencing the "if I don't make it, you'll be sorry"................who wouldn't be? Let's face it! Most 35 year olds don't have to deal with this............they're in the prime of their life and usually health. You really need to encourage him to check out this site. He can see that it's not just the over 50 set that has gotten a raw deal. Many of the valvers on here are in the under fifty set. Unfortunately,not enough of them stay as they have their surgeries and get on with their lives..............but if you think about it, that is a good thing in one way...............they are doing well and getting on with their lives!!! Your son will, too.

If he would get on here and realize that the odds are greatly in his favor...........and some of us have made it and they weren't in our favor (five surgeries in four and one-half years) and he met some of our long time valvers, then he would see that this is not a death sentence. Yes, he is having open heart surgery and yes, there are risks that accompany that, but at least the odds are in his favor and he doesn't have something that is not "fixable" like an inoperable brain tumor or pancreatic cancer.

He needs to be here. From one mom to another, I send my love and hugs. I am just waiting the day that Katie confronts me with the decisions I have made on her behalf. I do lose sleep at night still, but I have to say that I have done the best that I possibly could....................sigh!

Hugs. Janet

 

[maka]

Many times what comes as "anger" is nothing but fear. Your son probably needs a lot of reassuring, telling him you love him and don't want anything bad for him, On the contrary, that it needs to be done so he can enjoy his future life.
Maybe you can schedule an appointment with the surgeon and ask your son to write a list of questions and let him ask them, personnaly to the doctor. Without your interfearance He may then feel he's being "heard" and that his feeling counts. The doctor may reassure him and coming from some other than the parents may have more "value" to him.
Hope this helps

 

[hensylee]

heck, yeah, he's angry! He's a kid and asking himself 'why me'. If w e could put ourselves in his shoes, I bet we'd all feel the same way. I know that we have members who had this surgery in their teens. Maybe some will come in and tell us what it was like for them. And how they handled it.

Being the parent, on the other hand, is really hard, too. You've got a hard job but there's no other answer for you except to press on - as parents do.

I wish we had some easy answers, but I don't believe there are any.

Blessings to all of you.

 

[aussigal]

I agree...it would help him to have a look through here and see all those under 50 who have breezed (well sort-of) through this and are out there enjoying life...the active lifestyles section might interest or attract his attention more at the moment and then he may venture on to reading all the sucesses.

if he is anything like my hubby though his anger is his way of expressing fear...some guys just get that bit mixed up...

We are all here for the same reason and we are here to help and share..

I am a mum too and am hoping its many years before our 3 boys need this done but one can never tell...

Call on us for help ...thats what wer'e here for.

ton

 

[Destinova]

I can sympathize

I can sympathize

I'm 30 and facing surgery in May. My mother is a nurse and having been there through my aortic dilatation when I was only 3, she wants to be heavily involved in the decisions for me this time around.

I even found myself getting a little angry with her too, because she keeps asking if I want her to be there for every appointment, meeting, and conversation I have with the doctors/surgeons. I'm trying to be Mr. Independant and handle this on my own. It's a tough balance. My parents live out of town, and I am more than happy to have them here when I go in, and for a while afterwards, as I'll definitely need the support, but right now I have enough to think about without her second-guessing every choice I make. She's not really doing that, but that's what it feels like sometimes.

Ultimately I know, and I am sure your son does too, that she is only doing what she is doing because she loves me, and wants to make sure I feel supported during this trying time. Good luck to you and your son.

Rob

 

[Mary]

At 34, I believe your son is a little old to be lashing out at you and your husband. When push comes to shove, it is his decision to make, and if he's going to make hurtful comments then I would withdraw and let him take the initiative for his surgery plans. I am sure your son's anger comes from the anxiety he's feeling, but good grief, you are anxious yourself!

I have a 20 year old son who will need replacement one day, and when the time comes, he will be making the decisions on his own. We will be as supportive as we can with money and advice, but in the end, he will have to assume responsibility for the decision to have the AVR.

 

[Karlynn]

At 34, I believe your son is a little old to be lashing out at you and your husband. When push comes to shove, it is his decision to make, and if he's going to make hurtful comments then I would withdraw and let him take the initiative for his surgery plans. I am sure your son's anger comes from the anxiety he's feeling, but good grief, you are anxious yourself!

Pretty much my thoughts too. I'd tell you to recommend that he see a therapist to work out his anger and fear, but then he may lash out at you for that as well. It's the typical parental stance of darned if you do, darned if you don't.

I'm just starting in the "mothering adult children" phase of my life and I already see that it's going to be very hard for me to sit on my hands and keep my lips closed at times. We are so used to doing things for them and feel better when we do it ourselves.

What's that saying - you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. And then sometimes the stupid horse kicks you for taking it there!

I wish you some "inner calm" as the date approaches.

 

[MikeHeim]

I still haven't seen a reference to how old your son is, but most people seem to be working under the assumption that he is 35 (from gijanet's post). Having my surgery a few months ago at age 28, I feel like I can relate to his end of it.

My parents were not involved in any aspect of the planning of the surgery. I told them when they could fly in, how long they could stay, and that's about it. They were not involved one tiny bit in any of the surgical decisions such as the actual date, valve selection, hospital and surgeon, etc. I am not typically a very forceful person, but getting ready for OHS was the most stressful thing I had ever had to do. The last thing I needed was dissenting opinions from the people who were supposed to be supporting me.

That same phenomena is seen on this site frequently. People have to make extremely difficult decisions with regards to valve choice and come to this site looking for advice. Almost immediately you see posts from people who get EXTREMELY defensive about their particular choice. My assumption is that nobody wants to reconsider their choice after the fact. Everyone wants to believe they made the correct one. Before surgery, a person has the unbelievable weight of making that decision in which there are both many upsides and downsides to each option, as well as consequences from that decision that will last a lifetime. Once you've finally made that decision, the last thing you want to hear is someone trying to convince you to change it.

My advice to you is to give him a pass on anything that happens before surgery. He's going through a ridiculous range of emotions and you're only going to see about 10% of them. As a part of filing for short-term disability at my work, I had to tell the nurse on site what was happening and how long I would be out. Her response was, "I bet you're scared." Seems like an innocent comment, but I got so angry that my head was about to explode. The last things I wanted were: pity, advice, sympathy, or questions. She didn't even know she had done anything to upset me, but I was on the verge of a 30 second tirade followed by a walkout.

Some people like to talk about their feelings, and others do not. You should know at this point which type he is. If he likes to internalize things, don't try to make him talk about it. He'll just get more upset. I was lucky that my parents did absolutely nothing to learn about my surgery beforehand, and never really asked any questions about it. I gave them the background information, mentioned the decisions I had made, and they accepted it. If they had tried a more "hands-on" approach, I probably would have sent them home.

 

[Mary]

Mike,
I read Innercalm's previous posts to see how old her son is. I'm guessing that Janet did too. Usually I try to check old posts to learn what I can when there's no information given on the profile.

 

[mntbiker]

Hi Innercalm,
It's obvious that you care about your son very much and that is commendable. I don't want to come across as being mean but...

Your son is in his mid 30's, as another person in their 30's I can say that I would not tolerate my parents being as involved in the process as it appears you are with his. You say you purchased his plane ticket, was that at his behest or did you do it yourself? I call my parents and provide them with updates for what is going on, they may occasionally ask some questions but usually they just thank me for the information and we continue on. It must be difficult to have your children grow up but he is an adult and needs to be in control. The constant input may be part of what is driving his anger. If he lives at home or has other issues that you don't wish to share then I can understand the depth of your involvement but if he is out on his own, as hard as it may be, let him determine how much involvement you will have.

I do come on here and whine about my situation occasionally but that doesn't prevent me from making the hard decisions, sometimes it easier to whine to strangers and get it out of your system. Perhaps your son could use his own place to do that as well. Unfortunately it would not be here, I would not post if my wife or parents visited this site and he may feel the same way.

Good luck to both you and your son I know you will both do well.

 

[Guest]

*eyes Ann suspiciously*

What am I, chopped liver?

He he he ... just joking with you, my dear. I saw your post about "maybe some of them (those that had surgery in their teens) will post" ... soon after I posted ... and I not only had surgery in my teens but as a meer baby, too . He he he


And, to everyone ... sorry, I didn't realize he is older than me ... I missed that from earlier posts ... my apologies . Even so, my post stands as is .


And, Innercalm, I, too, recommend that you have your son visit here. I'm more than willing to talk with him ... or anyone else my age, for that matter ... that feels the need to actually talk to someone.....

After all, what good is this community if we don't reach out to help, right?

 

[hensylee]

so - are we talking a teen or a 30 yr old? I have lost my place. Are we just assuming?

Conversation for a 30ish person will be quite different from that for a teen. I have been under the assumption that this is a child in his teens.

 

[Mary]

so - are we talking a teen or a 30 yr old? I have lost my place. Are we just assuming?

Conversation for a 30ish person will be quite different from that for a teen. I have been under the assumption that this is a child in his teens.

Ann,
Here was the thread that I read, and then I thought that it was mentioned recently that he had another birthday. http://www.valvereplacement.com/forums/showthread.php?p=141020#post141020

 

[hensylee]

oh, ok. Whole different story now. I take back what I have written in this thread because I was under the impression that parents are 'in charge' of a teen. That is, unless this young man is disabled and his parents are 'in charge'.

If that isn't the case, then this young man needs to educate himself and make his own decisions or let his parents do it and follow their recommendations if they are to be his advocates. As already stated.

If one of my children were in this situation, they are more or less their own decision makers, would be following their doctors' advice, and may not want my advice at all and I wouldn't give it to them unless they asked. Even then they might not take it.

Sorry to back up on this one, but some of us assumed he was a youngster and that's a whole other story.

 

[maka]

I was also under the impressiong that he was a teen. Age changes the equation here.....

 

[Innercalm]

advice for anxious mom

Anxious mom thanks all of you so much for responding to my concerns. He is 35 years old and lives in his own place in the next town. I would like to give you an update on the situation. He has been filming two documentaries and has found his life's passion. At the moment he is onthe east coast with his light man filming a musical personality on a tour. The son is on top of the world and told me how much he feels that he is in God's hands and he feels so blessed to have the unbelievable opportunity to film the two projects. I definitely am overprotective for many reasons that I cannot explain. Nevertheless, when we began this journey, I tried to be a member of the team we created. My husband, myself, our son and God. I suppose it doesn't help to be a nurse. thank you all for your kind response to my dilemma.
Having an opportunity to bare my soul to others who have been in my current position, it a Godsend. I will keep you all posted as the days pass.
innercalm