Marguerite53
Premium Level User
*The letter, shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank
by
a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to
have
it published
in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored
to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the check and the arrival in my account
of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only
eight
years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by
the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will
therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at
your
bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially
to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person
to open such an envelope. Please find attached an
Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to
complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is
no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she
must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses
required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank
service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer
is required. Password will be communicated
to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be
put
on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy
wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the
call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year.
Your Humble Client,
(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman!)
by
a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to
have
it published
in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored
to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the check and the arrival in my account
of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only
eight
years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by
the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will
therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at
your
bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially
to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person
to open such an envelope. Please find attached an
Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to
complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is
no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she
must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses
required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank
service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer
is required. Password will be communicated
to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be
put
on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy
wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the
call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year.
Your Humble Client,
(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman!)
