OHS #3 in the pipeline, and I'm struggling...

Hi all. I've been reading through all my previous posts from the past 17 years that I have been a member here and decided that another post might be a good idea.

I am 46yo. I was born with a bicuspid aortic valve and had my first OHS in 2000 at 22yo. Five years later that tissue valve failed and I had a St Jude mechanical valve put in. I also ended up with heart block and a pacemaker. The PM lead has been interfering with my tricuspid valve ever since, causing severe regurgitation, which recently has led to the right side of my heart becoming enlarged. My cardiologist is referring me to a surgeon and expects them to make contact with me in the next few weeks. I'm guessing that surgery will be on the cards in the next few months.

I know that without surgery my heart will get worse and I'll get sicker until I die. I also know that tricuspid valve surgery is much riskier than aortic valve surgery, and 3rd OHS are riskier than first and second OHS.

I have a lot of memories from my previous surgeries, and as a result I am not only afraid that I won't survive another surgery, I'm afraid of going through the recovery again.

It took me a long time to get used to being on warfarin and having a pacemaker, but now all that is old hat. I self test and self dose my warfarin, which is going well, and I'm on pacemaker #3 with 9 years left on the battery. I dealt with bad anxiety for many years, but I have recently got that under some semblance of control.

I'm finding it hard to keep on keeping on knowing what is coming. I'm pretty well terrified. I'm trying to keep busy, but I get tired. This time of year, coming into winter, is always hard for me, but this year there is more to it. I feel like a deer in headlights a lot of the time. I find it hard to talk about it and don't want to have conversations with friends in case they bring it up.

I know time will bring it all to a head one way or another, but I am finding it incredibly hard to cope with at the moment.

Hi

I understand that you've been through a lot and that you have a bunch of emotional hurdles before you. The short answer is that you just don't know the outcomes, but if there are people here that you love, and that love you then all you have to do is put one foot in front of the other and keep stepping forward.

For me I do not believe in any afterlife, any gods or any myths. I believe only in what is here and now; with minimal distortion of reality.

Like you I've faced things which felt like "death by a thousand cuts" and have done so in a bleak environment with very little emotional support. I won't say it was easy, but I just continued to put one foot forward each day.

I promised myself I would just do as much as I could and spent no effort thinking about tomorrow, only right now, and only keeping moving.

That was 2013 ... here I am now ... still doing things, doing more things, enjoying things, eating tasty things.

Just take steps today and see what happens tomorrow.

Try reading some of Camus's writings (or even interpretations of them on youtube)

Best Wishes

After recovering from bacterial endocarditis just 8.5 yrs after my 2nd surgery, I was told I needed another surgery to replace everything that was done in #1,2 and repair my mitral valve.
I had no choice, I got the same great surgeon from #2, and made the appointment. I wasn’t worrying too much beforehand but the morning of surgery my hands were shaking. I actually awoke from #3 feeling really good. I recovered well and left the hospital in 6 days.
It’s no cakewalk for the surgeon to cut through scar tissue from previous surgeries but it worked out for me.
Try to think positive and trust your surgeon(s). I’m now looking at a 4th procedure and it is scaring me more than before. But I must have something done with my severely leaking mitral valve, so again I must put my trust in my Doctors.
Hopefully, you will do well and soon after surgery it will be another memory. Good Luck!

Elcarim said:

I find it hard to talk about it and don't want to have conversations with friends in case they bring it up.

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Elcarim - Can you set up a conversation (or series of conversations) with a counselor? Some discussion with a professional may help you prioritize things, and determine boundaries on what you want to talk about. This may better prepare you to talk with friends.

Elcarim said:

I am not only afraid that I won't survive another surgery

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Please, keep telling yourself "I WILL SURVIVE."

When I had my surgery, I set up plans with my family in case I died to ensure essential things were dealt with. Then I set those plans aside, and I held tight to the belief that I WOULD SURVVE. I felt that mindset was critical to effective preparations for my recovery, which is all that I can control.

Elcarim said:

I'm afraid of going through the recovery again.

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You are a strong, smart person. Your horse believes in you every time it jumps, right? Now you must belief in yourself. Please, keep telling yourself "I WILL RECOVER."

Consider what exact recovery issues you are afraid of. Write them down, be specific, and then formulate an action to deal with each of them. Take control. If you need help formulating a plan for a particular issue, please ask us for ideas, either in a thread, or via a personal message.

Remember: YOU CAN DO THIS.